Last night there was a casualty in the kitchen. I managed to shatter a tall highball glass by attempting to clean down to the bottom. The shard sliced up my hand, and I instantly knew that it meant a trip to the E.R. So, my pregnant wife and our 2yr old girl (both still starving for dinner) got in the car to drive me to the hospital.

On the way, I started to lose consciousness. My hearing started to fade out. I managed to stay conscious, but just barely. I asked the doctor about it later, and he told me that it wasn't due to blood loss. Just that I'm a pussy- basically. He actually said, "Oh, you're one of those types of people?" Which is true- I am one of "those" type of people. My most notorious and embarassing fainting spell happened when I was sixteen. I passed out at Claire's in the mall when my ear was pierced for the first time.

I'm quite scared of needles, so i immediately told the first nurse to knock me out or give me local anisthetic. She took one look at my falling-off-the-bone wound and proceeded to tell me that I would be given a Lanocaine shot in the actual wound itself. As if that weren't horrible enough, she told me that Lanocaine was extremely painful and that she had seen grown men brought to tears by the pain. Thanks lady!

The doctor had a family-practice resident with him who was learning the ropes. If there is one thing that I can't stand, it's some kid fumbling around with my wound. The doctor had put a tourniqueton my finger to stop the bleeding, and the resident actually asked, "What is a tourniquet? I've never heard of that word." You've never heard of a tourniquet??? Did they skip that in your eight years of school??? Then he confirmed with the doctor that I would need a tetanus shot. He further went on to suggest a pertussis shot. The doctor actually replied, "WHOOPING COUGH??? No, he won't be needing a whooping cough shot!"

Christ! Then he let the guy suture me up. "No, no, that stitch is all wrong. Take it out and try again."

It took them more than half an hour to stitch me up. And to add insult to injury, I sat there an hour waiting for my discharge papers. When I complained the nurse told me about some sick kids who needed attention.

I said, "Listen, lady, I got a 2yr old, and it's past her bedtime! I ain't got time to bleed!" Then I went home and watched Predator. OK, just kidding about the last part. I went home and watched Biggest Loser... and I ate a brownie while I did it. And that, y'all, is the truth!