Don't sweat the "don't talk anymore," because at four months, "anymore" has no real meaning. You're in the worst part of the sleep deprivation that everyone goes through. They say that sleep deprivation costs you 10% of your intelligence. I got tested at seven months and, sure enough, I'd lost 10% to the decimal. Your brains aren't working right. Your emotions are a wreck. This isn't your real life for the rest of your life. This will pass.

That's the good news. There's more. It is also good that your husband, however depressed at the moment, is taking on this responsibility and, despite him seeming crazy from time to time, that he is taking it so seriously. His attempts to "win" against your four month old baby may lack a little finesse, but he is not entirely off base. "Winning" the game of establishing sleep patterns is pretty important to the long term health of your child. I mean, if you two never get that 10% of your brains back, you're going to want someone in the family to pick up the slack; and that will have to be your daughter.

But seriously, it's a tough adjustment for a guy that age. I was 45 when my first daughter was born. Even though I knew I was going to be the stay-at-home, it was still a shot to the manhood. Things were just opening up for me in my career — and now I was going to have to sit on the bench for God knows how many years? (It turned out to be nearly seven years. Which ended a couple of days ago when my younger daughter started pre-school, and my work week can blossom to 20 or more hours, more than double my previous.) It's got to be a bit more of a shot to the jaw when it's a surprise.

Oh, and about that "not planned" thing? It may not have been planned, but it wasn't exactly planned NOT to happen, since you both retained the biological possibility. Over the course of 19 years, the odds are pretty good that there's going to be a whoops. So just file that in the back of your head, because somewhere deep inside both of you you knew it could happen and perhaps, just perhaps, you were okay with that. If you — or, better, he — can get in touch with that, that might ease things a bit.

Another bit of good news is that you two are hitting the age where the odds of getting pregnant again are pretty slim. So your presumably only child will be starting pre-school three years from last week, which means there is an end in sight for your husband's full-time duties.

Another good thing. You are taking over the parenting when you come home and not following in the usual paradigm of the working parent being the sidekick (or demoting the stay-at-home to sidekick) when he or she gets home. You are giving your husband some time off. That is great.

So my advice is to take an inventory of the things that are good. Then have a talk about how sleep deprivation is making you both a little (okay, a lot) more strained than usual. But it will pass. Once you reassure each other on that front, try to help each other learn to laugh about it. Even if it's gallows humor.

After you reach that point, and after you let your mother watch the baby for a night or two while you and your husband rest up, then you might be ready to talk about whatever else you need to talk about. You've been together half your lives. You can reconnect. And probably quicker and better than most.

Good luck, and God bless you and your family.

It sounds pretty bad, you some what make the guy sound lazy.  I wonder if he is really this lazy in real life.  Dude, not much for advice but yall have to use the 5 mintue parents away at least once a week.  That is a blessing in disguise.  Even for a walk in the park, some really hot sex "could be what he needs", or a dinner date.  Shoot, talk to him about it after sex and you can probably get just about what ever you want out of the conversation.

Brad

Hey all. First post.

37 and I stay at home with our almost 2 year old son. I've got this dad thing down now but my first few moths after mom went back to work were really rough. Under the best circumstances its really, really tough to deal with day to day chaos and to accept how your life has changed forever. I think I was very open to and aware of what was going to happen and still got my mind blown. Anyway... after a lot of hard work and hard reflection things are good.

The first thing that grabbed me about the initial post is that he seems to be pushing discipline and strcuture on a 20 week old. Caring for babies is very counter intuitive. They don't think or see the world like us at all. Sounds like he's trying to use 4 year old parenting on a four month old. She is not capable of manipulating him nor does she have any clue what "winning" is.

Sounds like he's stuck in a bad head space and I'd say he needs a little break and a chance to blow off some steam (whatever that means to him). Then a chance to think about what's going on in his life and how he needs to sack up and deal with it. Also, you guys should read "Healthy Sleep Habbits, Happy Baby" (can't reacall the author right now). Its pretty realistic and has very good info about what is happening in their little heads and how to structure naps and nighttime sleep.

And now my furr has turned to skin And I've been quickly ushered in

To a world that, I confess, I do not know

But I still dream of running careless through the snow