I am not an AHD, obviously. I am the wife of an AHD. My husband and I are the parents of a beautiful 9 month old boy. He is wonderful!! My husband is a teacher and I am a nurse anesthetist. We recently moved communities and my husband and I discussed childcare options and we decided it would be good for our son to be home with one of us, financially, it made sense for Eric to stay home. We have been living in this new community for about 3 months and I am veyr worried about Eric. He says he is doing ok and is enjoying his time with Noah, but then we will have conversations that give me the impression he is not doing so well and is suffering from an identity crisis. There are a few AHD in this area, but no organized group. He is in the process of organizing one, but it takes time. He's been trying to find a job to work with my schedule, but that is also a challenge and takes time. Eric is not a big self-motivator and he's a quiet person. My concern is for his mental health and finding ways to encourage him without sounding like a motivational video. If you guys were facing (or if you are facing) these same type of issues, what would you like to have your wife do, what would you expect from her? Don't just tell me her support..believe me, I think Eric is doing the best thing he could ever do for our family and I am trying to communicate that to the best of my ability. Eric will be at the convention, by the way!!
Worried about AHD husband.
My advice is to buy him a gym membership and make sure he has memberships to the museums and zoos. Get your kid enrolled in a few weekly activities. Keep your husband busy. Work together on a chore schedule with chores for each of you that happen on certain days- him having 2/3 and you only having 1/3 (the chores based on preference and not gender). It's not about whether he is motivated- it's more about him having a routine.
Let him go out once a week (or every other week) with his friends. He is saddled with a toddler all day. He needs adult interaction.
Tell him about this forum. Buy him tickets to the At Home Dad Convention in Kansas City happening in a few weeks.
I guess I misspoke when I said he was unmotivated...he has problems focusing his energy...that might be a better way of saying it. I will do that stuff you suggested...I think those would be good for him. He's going to the At Home Dads convention already...and he is very excited!! He does go out with his friends...a.ctually twice a week. He belongs to a running club and he plays ultimate frisbee each one night a week. I will look into a gym membership however, that might be a good birthday present...next week.
Also...
Date night once a month, no exceptions. Find a babysitter, plan something fun (not just a movie), and finish with romance. God, I wish my wife and I followed my own advice, but she is nervous about babysitters. Don't be nervous... just do it. Er... so to speak.
If there isn't a large group of AHDs where you live (like where I live) try mom's groups. He might need to try a few before he finds a willing one but it's worth it. No only will he have an adult to talk to during the day but your child will have friends to grow up with during the toddler years.
Some mom's groups feel uncomfortable having a man around while others are fine with it. I'm in three groups now and they've pretty much all gotten used to me by now.
Get your son in preschool a couple 1/2 days a week, it will be good for both Eric and your son.
For your son, by being around other kids and getting all those basic childhood coughs and sniffles out of the way before school starts for real, not to mention again, the socialization. They more than likely will offer a KNO, Kids Night Out once a month and these are awesome! Babysitting with all his friends there AND you get to go on a date! It is cheap, safe and secure. As ticktock says, the zoo is good too, and educational as he gets older. My son digs the zoo in the spring.
For Eric, he could go to the gym and meet people, visit a Starbucks do housework or just go for bike rides if he rides, and if he rides, consider getting a Burleigh Bike Trailer kid carrier. It was a godsend for me when my son was 6 mos. old till he could do training wheels, even now it's cool, when he goes on 2 wheels to the playground we can load up lunch, camp chairs, toys and more in it. Fitness is a must so he doesn't get the male version of the pre/postnatal beltline. The better he feels about himself the better job he will do.
Does Eric know you invaded his space here? Is he a member? If not encourage him to join us.
My Site, http://www.milehidad.com/ and my Blog, http://www.milehighdad.net/
Make Babies, Not War!
I Wanna Know How Forever Feels...
I know I invaded the male space...sorry. I don't plan on doing it again...I just saw an opportunity to ask other AHD about what I can do as a spouse to encourage him...He does know about this space...but I'll encourage him to get on the space again.
The first few months are the toughest, especially in a new community. Here are some "quick band-aids" until he sorts things out:
1. Reassure him sexually, and do it a little more often. Nothing hits the masculinity i.d. button better.
2. Encourage any stereotypical male activities that he is into, e.g., tools, woodwork, fixing things, lawn mowing, working out, grilling.
3. Get him to let his hair down a little. Most guys have an inside persona that they bottle up when they are in the outside working world. Is he a fighter, a missionary, a biker, a hockey player, an artist or a musician at heart?
4. If he thinks he can pull it off, get him to train for something big, e.g., a 5k, 10k, marathon or triathalon.
5. Make sure he keeps the stereotypical "man" chores for himself.
6. Change your screen name here.
7. Repeat number one above.
I know I invaded the male space...sorry. I don't plan on doing it again...I just saw an opportunity to ask other AHD about what I can do as a spouse to encourage him...He does know about this space...but I'll encourage him to get on the space again.
They are not all that serious about "invading the space". Your post is relevant and more than welcome, so don't worry about it. Anything similar is also welcome.
If the "Should we have a section on this site for wives/partners of at-home dads?" thread (http://athomedad.org/node/1817) got you worried, don't be. Your post is something different that that - it's about dad concerns, so it fits in well.
Thanks for posting, and definitely no need to apologize.
no seriously.
one word: communication.
this site, rebel dad's site, other dad bloggers and the AHD convention
helped me in ways i can never put in words, whether i was doing the lurk, posting a question in the forum or having other AHDs comment on my site.
this is relatively new to everybody involved so seeking answers, asking for help and being open are some of the best things you can do for your spouse, family and future.
I had to ask because of the" Should we have a section on this site for wives/partners of at-home dads?" Thread.
Feel free to ask what you like and I'm positive the great bunch of guys here will do their best to answer, but beware it may not be always to your liking.
My Site, http://www.milehidad.com/ and my Blog, http://www.milehighdad.net/
Make Babies, Not War!
I Wanna Know How Forever Feels...
With all due respect, you (Eric's wife) sound a bit like the micro-managing type. What your husband feels is all too normal with new stay at home dads. Heck, even those of us doing it for several years go through phases as you describe (identity crises, unfocused periods, etc.) Just try taking care of a kid for an entire week and you'll soon find yourself "unfocused".
You may also want to read the classic book "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus". What you might construe as unfocused is a common way men react when under stress. Women deal with stress by cleaning the house and going out with girlfriends to get a pedicure and chat about their husbands. Men deal with stress by retreating into their den and watching football all weekend with no interruptions.
I would just advise to be aware of giving your husband space ("downtime") and not to be on his case about getting things accomplished on a timely basis.
I don't really have much to add to what everyone else is saying; it's almost all exactly what I would say. I go to work out 3 or 4 times a week, and honestly it's more just to talk with other guys than the exercise (although the exercise is good too). Get him on here to 'meet' other guys who are in the same boat as he is. I have a couple of guys that I now talk with (chat on messenger and even call on the phone sometimes) almost everyday because they understand what it's like to be a S.A.H.D. I even have one guy that we are considering going on vacation next summer together that I meet through a S.A.H.D. site and spent a lot of time just talking to keep our sanity while home with the kids. My point of telling you this is get him to make the connections with other dads. I would definitely encourage him to do the things that make him feel good about who he is. I love this advice from JPhillip and would definitely follow most of it if I were you. I would say since you know your husband best, to take even this advice with a grain of salt (#5 would be bad for my wife to follow since I absolutely HATE doing the "man" chores -- i would much rather cook the meal than cut the grass :-P ). But defiantly get him connected to other S.A.H.D.'s because that will help tremendously.
1. Reassure him sexually, and do it a little more often. Nothing hits the masculinity i.d. button better.
2. Encourage any stereotypical male activities that he is into, e.g., tools, woodwork, fixing things, lawn mowing, working out, grilling.
3. Get him to let his hair down a little. Most guys have an inside persona that they bottle up when they are in the outside working world. Is he a fighter, a missionary, a biker, a hockey player, an artist or a musician at heart?
4. If he thinks he can pull it off, get him to train for something big, e.g., a 5k, 10k, marathon or triathalon.
5. Make sure he keeps the stereotypical "man" chores for himself.
6. Change your screen name here.
7. Repeat number one above.
Anyway, there you have it all...LOL...I guess I had more to say on it than I thought. Good luck!
Check out my ramblings on life at http://www.sahdguy.blogspot.com/
I found it highly irritating (and jumped her shit as a result) when I would get a call right before bottle time reminding me to make sure it's not too hot. I am not saying you are doing this, but just be aware how it will come across if you say it and how Eric will respnd to it.
With that said, trust Eric and give him his space when doing his job, he does it all day every day! Could you?
My Site, http://www.milehidad.com/ and my Blog, http://www.milehighdad.net/
Make Babies, Not War!
I Wanna Know How Forever Feels...
Down boy. I know the wound is still sore, but be careful not to go overboard. Its a really tough adjustment for moms too. Not only is she a mom, I believe she is a nurse as well, so its only natural that she wants to make sure everything is going well for everyone involved. If she is a little too involved as you assume, like most of our wives, she will get more confident and relaxed over time. Worrying is what many moms do best. At least his wife really cares about his personal and mental well-being. I don't want to ever have to hear about another dad taking his own life. It still makes me sick to my stomach to think about that happening to a dad sometimes.
Be his wife. Don't try to mother him. Give him space when he needs it. When it is finally quiet in the house and he is relaxing with you, do not constantly ask him about this stuff or about every detail of the baby's schedule or what he ate or whatever. He needs to stop thinking about that stuff whenever he is not doing it, and with a 9 month old, he is on duty an awful lot. If you need to feel connected and really know what is going on each day, you guys should find a time when he feels like talking about that stuff. This will likely be after a 'decompression' time after bedtime or early in the morning if he is a morning person.
Sorry, ticktock, but if my wife ever 'sat down' with me to 'work out' a chore schedule, two would have entered, one would have left. Get over any qualms you have about things not being just right with the house. It is chaotic with a baby a lot of time. Chores shouldn't come first, especially early on, IMO. Baby first, dad second, house third (or maybe fourth after Fantasy Baseball if it's summer!). Also, clean up after yourself. It may not be a big deal for him now to work into his routine to pick up after you, but that will wear on him, and you may tend to rely on that, and that will lead to trouble down the road.
It can be a tough adjustment, but the way to get through it is to just get through it. He needs to remember that he is not a different person -- he is the same person on a different path. Being a teacher, he has a lot of skills that others don't have when it comes to being an AHD, even with infants and toddlers.
He does need to leave the house. Every Day. He needs to get out there and breathe the air and see people and be seen by people. Being seen by others as a regular part of the community, even if they don't talk regularly or become friends with him, will help him feel better about himself. It may be a long time before he can say to people, "I am an at-home dad," but he will be comfortable being an AHD long before that.
Judge how he is adjusting by the way he interacts with your son, and you, and not by how he acts and feels at the end of each day when his brain is melted. It regenerates after a few hours. :-)
PS -- In contrast to others' gym comments -- I go to the gym to get quiet focused time alone. STOP TALKING TO ME! lol
Sorry, ticktock, but if my wife ever 'sat down' with me to 'work out' a chore schedule, two would have entered, one would have left.
In my house, my wife and I have a chore schedule because I asked for it!
Before I quit my job, my wife and I shared the home duties rather nicely, being that we both had full-time jobs. After I took on the duties of an AHD, it seemed that over time, I slowly accumulated more and more and more of the "home" duties until it seemed as if my wife was truly not trying to help out as much as I thought she should be. Even though I am "home" everyday, we all know that parenting is truly a full-time job outside of any added chores. After all, not only was I taking care of the child all day, but I was doing all of the outdoor work, almost all of the home maintenance and home improvement projects, almost all of the in-home cleaning, etc. On top of all that, my wife's mother picked up after her her entire life, so she is really not that good at picking up after herself either. I have tried to change this over the years, but I really never truly make a dent in her ways. After a while, I really started to feel overwhelmed with everything, and I told my wife that we should have some structure to ensure that she was doing her part. So far, the chore schedule has been unbelievably helpful to my wife and I, and we no longer argue about what has been done, what needs to be done, or what will need to be done.
- Randy
Am really interested to hear thoughts from the perspective of working mothers with AHD husbands. I hope that certain comments in this thread don't dissuade other working moms from asking questions here, it seems to me that there would be more happy SAHD's out there if there were more women willing to ask a mans perspective on varies topics.
Interestingly enough I have heard a long lasting complaint from the AHD community that they are not welcome on SAHM sites and forums, and get turned away immediately. Then in turn it seems to be a recurring theme to treat others with the exact same attitudes we dislike.
I'm not voting for a female section of this site, I understand why there is a Dad specific site, I'm just saying maybe we shouldn't treat women like they DARE to step out of their assigned corner of the Internet and venture into ours. By the sounds of it some of the comments aren't coming out of a logical analysis of the situation based on known facts, but perhaps on some own personal feelings based on people's own relationships. If that is the case, maybe they should be wishing their wives were taking the time to do what Eric's wife has done.
As for invading people's space, Ericswife, I wouldn't even consider that comment if I were you, seems to me that "Eric's Space" is a highly public area viewable by anyone with even the smallest of Internet connections, this isn't Eric's room or anything.
Micromanaging, hahahah, I laughed so hard I think my son is convinced I'm on crack! Keep it up Eric's wife, you sound like you give a shit, you sound on the right track, congrats on taking the right steps.
Joined: 2007-10-22
Dad Points: 7