If he does not have the kid and he's not doing anything to pull his weight, then yes, you absolutely have a leg to stand on in this.

From the point of view of a male, let me suggest some things. I don't see what my wife sees. I clean the house, and I'll be very proud of what I've achieved, but then my wife will get home and be irate because the house was not cleaned to her standards. I will have missed some things that she sees as important. The end result is that my wife leaves me lists of things she expects done.

Even then, though, there is one other item that bears mentioning here, and it also has to do with the male and female brain. Typically, when you see a group of females together, they are all complimenting each other. The guys, by contrast, are all insulting each other. Male groups are almost vamphirric as it relates to the feeding of energy in male groups. Males are not afraid of asking and taking. Most Females are terrified of asking for what they want, so the energy in most relationships goes one way, from female to male, and most males are not even aware of this. The female gives and gives and gives and he takes and takes and takes.... and he's going to keep on taking unless his eyes are opened. Thankfully, with some of us, someone at some point did open our eyes to the fact that we can't relate to our female friends the same way as our male friends. That is really just an aside to the point I'm making, which is, if you want something from him you have to be able to approach him on a male level.... which is to say you have to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. There is a very good chance that the man in question is not doing what you want because he does not know what is being expected of him.  It is not fair to him to get upset and bent out of shape if he is not doing things that you have not asked him to do.

You can't be passive-aggressive about it either. “I keep mentioning things to him like, ‘I wish you would be the one to make the doc appointments’ or ‘let's get a schedule going so I can know exactly which days I have to cook’.” How often are you then sitting down with a pen and writing out said schedule? You can wish all you want, but unless you say, “please make the doctor’s appointment”, he is not going to do it. It is simply not how males are programmed. You have to ask the same way that his best friend asks for stuff. Note: I did not say his BOSS, I said his best friend. That’s the dynamic you are trying to strike. You have to be willing to ask, and you have to be willing to ask for most things at least twice--and make sure he is in the room with you, and make sure you have eye contact and the television is OFF. Hell, for that matter make sure the radio is off too.

I’m not trying to say you should boss him around. I’m also not trying to let him off the hook. My point is that one of our biggest complaints as guys is that the women in our lives won’t straight up ask us for what they want, but they have no problem getting mad at us for not doing it.

When I first stayed home on family leave my infant was in daycare and my 7 yr old in school, during that time I painted several primary rooms of the house so it was time well spent. Then I stopped working and we stopped daycare. I take care of reading to and teaching the baby, all house cleaning, laundry, dishes, yardwork, vacation planning, anything with the dog, cut coupons, put out trash/recycling and do some clothes/food shopping. I do have some free time during the day from the kids but I may do any of the things listed. My boys are now 1 and 8. We usually split who gives the baths and cook together on the weekends or go out. My wife is gone from 8am to 10pm M-F, she works then has a personal trainer and kickboxing on several nights. I never plan on her seeing the boys before their bedtime. I have too much to do but I am more particular about how things should be and often redo things that I can't stand how they were done. I also, after one full year, have things on schedules that I no longer need to think about. I was very clear after my divorce upon meeting my current wife that I will not be told what to do and when, I tend to go above and beyond when the mood strikes and we've never had a fight on any subject after over 4 yrs together. I would recommend probably both of you making a list of what you think the other should be doing and compare the lists until you can agree on what's reasonable. In my first marriage I had my first son, worked full-time overnight and still took care of everything as well as paying all the bills. At least now I do not pay hardly any bills, and I don't have to worry about going to work but I do have 2 kids everyday. The hard part now about being at home is that I find it almost impossible to relax because there is always more that needs to be done. I hope you can easily work it out so you feel things are more reasonable.