Asking for a definition of a SAHD is like trying to define the perfect day, everyone will give you a different answer. Some will tell you that any dad that stays home and cares for their family is a SAHD. Others will throw in the caveat that anyone that dumps their kids off at daycare during the day while they stay home, isn't. Still others will say that those that work from home aren't stay at home dads at all, but rather dads that just happen to work from home.

It's all a matter of personal perspective.

Now, as to your second question, if you have to convince your spouse that it's a good idea for you to stay home, it probably isn't. This shouldn't be just your decision, or only hers, it's a mutual one. Sit down and talk about it. Weigh the pros and cons. Look at your finances and see if it's even possible. Are you going to keep the kids home, or are you going to put them in daycare full or part time? Can you handle the day to day doldrums? Can your spouse handle the pressure from her co-workers about her working while you stay home? Can you handle the odd stares and comments you'll receive when you take your kids out out an about?

There are a ton of things to consider. Personally, my wife first suggested it, but we spent months weighing all the possible outcomes before finally settling on the decision that I would stay home full time.

-Will
http://www.gamingwithbaby.com all your diapers are belong to us
fatdadcooking.com coming soon!

Good advice here so far and I agree with both of these guys.

I just wanted to chime in that you seemed to have named a lot what the job description is and all, but I think each at-home dad defines himself. (just as everybody defines themselves).

Good luck!

BrianC

Are you really thinking about doing this AHD thing or is it a research project? Be honest.

You need to get the 'At Home Dads' Handbook' by Peter Baylies and the AHD book by Libby Gill (I forget the title -- some thing about stay at home families I think). Hogan Hilling's new book is good too. These are all people who are part of the SAHD community.

Careful of your motivations staying home. If the kids' interests are not numero uno, taking care of them can make you miserable. You won't be escaping your corporate inferno for some familial utopia. Kids will kick your ass. If you are trying to work as well, you need to have a good plan for your work, be a good time manager, and set realistic goals of how much work you can do in a day.

My feeling is that you do what you have to do. If you need to work part time and use daycare, go for it. You (and your employer) need to realize that when the kids get sick, it is you who needs the day off, etc. and not Mrs. Raw Data, though.

The job changes pretty drastically every six months or so until about the age of 3. Babies are a lot more time intensive. The older they get, the easier they are physically, but the more they will demand mentally.

I know that my family is better because I am home. You should not be an SAHD unless you come to this same conclusion. The role will be defined by you based on your family's needs.

-Jim L
2008 SAHD Fishing Trip:
www.sahdsfish.4t.com

PS -- if this is undercover research, you are a douche.

As soon as I read the original post, I thought "What kind of guy REALLY asks these kinds of questions before being a SAHD?" I sure didn't give two shits if there were "purists" or whatever, and I don't think many others did. Then I looked at the screen name rawdata, and I thought "Would someone REALLY be that stupid to name themselves rawdata if they were trying to sucker SAHDs into some cheap grad school research?" Of course not, because as we all know, noone ever wants to research us SAHDs. Right? Then I read the comments left by some of my loyal brothers here, and I realized I wasn't the only one thinking along these lines. Sorry "Mr." rawdata, but until you have more than 1 post (let's make it at least 5 for shits and giggles), I'm not wasting any more of my time answering to you.

- Randy

Intellectual or For print. I don't care. Just DON'T make us into a bunch of Micheal Keaton's from Mr. Mom ( I prefer being called a Domestic God anyway ) Seriously I agree with Matt it could be the way Mr. Rawdata thinks and when it is all said and done HE is in the right place to ask such a question. Yet we should be a touch on the skeptical side with anybody with 25 posts or less?

Kevin

http://web.mac.com/ciaalum92/SAHD_Man/Welcome.html

These are good days we are having my Brothers!!!

Someone comes here, poses a simple question, and not only does he get a multitude of answers (and attitudes), but he also get accused of being an agent of misinformation?

That's a fine welcome gentlemen.

And on a totally unrelated note, can we please get over the whole "Mr.Mom" is insulting bit? Watch the movie, it's not derogatory at all.

-Will
http://www.gamingwithbaby.com all your diapers are belong to us
fatdadcooking.com coming soon!

Is someone "phishing" for At-Home Dad research?

Seriously though, I agree with Matt.

If rawdata is looking to do research, then perhaps the way he or she presents their questions isn't quite right. Just about every researcher has stated up front that that's what they are doing. There is no mention that rawdata (besides the peculiar name) is doing a research project for anybody else but his own interests.

Just because a person asks questions or has thoughts or considerations you've never had, doesn't make them wrong. I've never thought of what "purists" think, but I am not about to judge this person because they do. What is an At-Home Dad purist anyway? I'm not doing a research paper or anything, I just wanna know.

I've interviewed for researchers, student's thesis material, local parenting mags, and even Japanese Business magazines about being an at-home dad. I am happy to talk about what I do and how we as a family came to the choice to do this. No prob.

I know some guys are out of patience with all of it, but I say "whatever" Either you help the person out with your kind, honest answers, or just move on to the next subject posted on the site.

Instead of getting your panties in a wad and saying "who the hell are you to come here and ask questions?", just move on. Then maybe, come back later and see what's been goin on.

Maybe this person only has one post because of the replies he came back and read? Who knows for sure, but again...W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R.

There. My .02

I'll get off the soapbox and pass it on to....

Hi to everyone,
I just joined AtHomeDad.org. I have a son that will be 3 in March and I have been home with him from the start.

Now for Rawdata, who I would say is an academic or a lawyer, might be just trying to get some info on what it’s like to be an at home dad. Does it matter if it is a research project or just his way of going about getting the info he needs to make, what most of us would say is a hard decision to make. I for one don’t care why he asked it, I just think it is a topic worth thinking about. If Rawdata wants I’ll share my feelings with him in another forum. He asked a couple of questions on a site where I thought someone could ask these questions, but maybe I’m wrong. The truth of the matter is it took more time out of your life to say piss off, then just reading it and saying “research project not worth my time”.

As for some of the guys saying “Rawdata talk to us when you have more posts.” That is the attitude some of us got from the “Mommy Mafia” when we first showed up on the playgrounds, play groups, and classes for our kids. I remember in an eight week class, only one mother talked to us and that was around week five or six. I guess I had to show up enough for people to be polite.

____________________________________________________________________________________________
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss

Look...
There is plenty of info at the top of this post to satisfy anyone’s needs. There is no Daddy Maffia here I am stating how I feel. And AGAIN, I am perfectly happy to welcome anyone to this message board it's others, more venerable than I, who raised the question of rawdatta's veracity. I agree with them is. Be up front is all I’m asking. If this is a Dad then say so and I for one will apologize, since that what many of you seem to be implying, if not just tell us. Others have come looking for answers to research questions. To that I repeat do your own work, if you need our help as Dad’s just say so.

If anyone has an issue with how or what I post please feel free to butt heads with me in the private world. Gunning.jon@gmail.com.

Be Seeing You.

I wasn't trying to dictate the flow of the conversation. I was trying to give you some perspective from somebody else who's new here, how it sounded.

Some guy coming up on the playground is different from someone posting on the web. A post on the web can just be ignored rather than flamed, that's all I'm saying. I just don't get the big deal. If he's doing research, he is, if he's not, he's not. That's how people do research, they ask questions. I've never been on an online forum before, so maybe there's something different here, but I don't see what was so offensive.

And again, if anything you just confirmed it by going after me, another first-timer. Well, now I'm a second-timer ;)
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss

Now that you're starting to get the feel for the place, you'll start to be more at home and bitch at strangers like the rest of us. Or you can be the friendly guy and balance the smartasses like me on the bastard end of the spectrum. All the same, it's nice to have new voices, a variety of topics, and a range of attitudes. So, welcome, and I hope you stay and participate.

I didn't know my one little post would start such a tirade! I will try to respond to everyone's comments in this post in no particular order.

Look guys, my post was meant to show a more skeptical approach to some of the posters who come here. I was not trying to demean the original poster in any way. I was just stating my opinion (as you all have done and we all have the right to do) of what I inferred from the original post.

I don't think there is anything wrong with researching a subject. I never said that. I research subjects all the time, but I am up front when I am doing it. I would also be happy to answer anyone's questions that come to the site, but I like to know up front that I am dealing with someone who is being honest with me.

Others here felt that the original post might be research. I did, too. I don't want to be a guinea pig for any research when I have no idea how that research is going to be used or where it is going to be used. Many researchers have come to this site and been very up front about what they are doing. Then, I am more than happy to help because I can follow up on the research and I don't feel like I am being used.

If rawdata is really trying to become a SAHD, then a simple post from him clarifying such would be all it would take to put aside my skepticism and receive a simple apology from me for misunderstanding. That is why I inferred at the end of my post that I would be willing to continue the conversation with rawdata IF they were to come back and be active in the conversation or group. I say inferred because my words were a bit less eloquent up above. :)

Yes, I could have easily skipped over this post after having my original response to reading it. But if this person is not being honest and up front with me about doing research, then I feel that I have an obligation to myself to call them out on it. In the same vein, instead of getting any of your "panties in a wad" over my response to the original post, you could have just as easily skipped over my post and kept to yourself without having to "let me have it", so to speak. But I wouldn't want any of you to feel like you couldn't post your thoughts here, just as I don't want any of you telling me what thoughts of mine I can't post here. Agreed?

I do want to respond to one specific quote from scottm (welcome to the board BTW!) to make my original point very clear: "I just don't get the big deal. If he's doing research, he is, if he's not, he's not. That's how people do research, they ask questions." The big deal is that if this is research for any kind of higher education or journalism feature then there are MANY protocols to follow in how that research is performed, one of the most important being that the participants in said research must be notified in advance that they are subjects of research. Maybe you don't have a big deal with being a guinea pig, but others do (like myself), and that is why the protocols for research were put in place. In other words, my skepticism with the original post is a sound opinion for me to have from my point of view, whether anyone else thinks the same or not.

Finally, to reiterate JPhillip, I love this place. Keep up the good fight!

- Randy

The Greased Scotsman is right. No more alpha dogging and yes there should be a category for research. We can stay away or post.....

Kevin

http://web.mac.com/ciaalum92/SAHD_Man/Welcome.html

These are good days we are having my Brothers!!!

Come on guys...how many places are really for men who stay home? Huh? I love visiting this site and talking with you all. As I have said just be honest. I answer questions all the time to people who can't seem to understand that I stay home and care for my daughter. That's all there is to it. I get defensive in part because I have almost no RW outlet to talk to other men about parenting or just joke around.

I was on many a Civil War site that was discussing a given topic, US Grant for one, and people came from far and wide looking for us to do their research projects for them. We posted, read, "Memoirs," or "Grant Wins the War: Decision at Vicksburg." and said good luck. The prob was that that wasn’t good enough people would post and re-post looking for the answer they needed. I'm not saying that is the issue here but let’s face It, a great book like "Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads" is probably a richer source for a socio-political discussion of the modern state of parenting then all of us. We are of course experts in what we do but I do get feed up with being asked "what I do." It seems obvious to me.

I will add to the conversation of exclusion, we all welcomed Manhattandad when he posted about his feelings toward his partner, and his kids, and being a dad. He was sad and looking for help. We all rallied and supported him as best we could. (He is doing better I hope and I would like to hear from him again)

If someone who is looking for “rawdata” then be forthright about it. I have posted on sights to ask questions but always said thanks when it was answered.

Perhaps unjustly so, but I am a tad defensive of this site. I will echo TickTock and randyfielding in saying that I already feel like a lab rat with peoples dumbfounded looks when I say, “I stay home,” I admit I don’t want such notions brought into where I find a little comfort, advice, and some laughs, with other men who say, “I stay home.”

Be Seeing You