It was Friday, mid-November and the weather was unseasonably warm and balmy for this time of year. I was holed up at Dulles International Airport on the outskirts of Washington, D.C., waiting for a connecting flight to Kansas City.

It was two and a half hours into a delay before the flight attendant finally called for passengers to board.

After boarding the plane I introduced myself to the young woman sitting next to me and asked her about her travel plans. She was going to meet her boyfriend in Kansas City who was coming from Texas.

“And what about you?” she asked.
“I’m going to a convention for At Home Dads,” I told her.
“What?” she asked.

“A convention for stay-at-home-dads,” I said
“I’m going to write a story about it,” I explained. “I want to know who these men are.”
“A bunch of losers!” she exclaimed with a hearty laugh.

She echoed a common conceit in the contemporary world, where At Home Dads are akin to a rare species, much like the platypus: something to marvel at yet entirely suspicious as to our purposefulness.

Fortunately for her, due to the commotion and confusion from the delay and many gate changes, I – and a handful of other passengers - had boarded the wrong flight to Kansas City.

I didn’t have to spend the next two hours schooling her on the definition of the real loser.

*

The term “at home dad” first came into cultural prominence in the early ‘80s and became the basis for the1983 film hit Mr. Mom directed by John Hughes and starring Michael Keaton.

By 1990, a full scale men’s movement had been launched by Robert Bly’s book from the same year, Iron John. “We are living at an important and fruitful moment now,” the book begins, “for it is clear to men that the images of adult manhood given by the popular culture are worn out; a man can no longer depend on them.”

The movement essentially focused on men allowing themselves to express their sensitive side and break down the walls of masculinity giving acceptance to so-called feminine traits. “We talk a great deal about ‘the American man,’” wrote Bly, “as if there were some constant quality that remained stable over decades, or even within a single decade.”

Around the same time the Promise Keepers movement also began. Started by Bill McCartney and Dave Wardell, the movement’s core philosophy was to reprioritize men’s focus on the family. By the mid-‘90s, the movement had gone international and men were packing stadiums to hold their conferences because it had gotten so large.

Suddenly the macho image of John Wayne or the bumbling bring-home-the-bacon Dagwood stereotype were giving way to a new man; a man who no longer felt the need to live up to the fading iconography of what it meant to be a man.

These new men, these stay-at-home-dads are quietly carving out a new image of what it means to be male.

According to the 2005 Census Bureau, they were about 147,000 at-home dads in the United States.

These days, the easiest place to tap into the growing trend of At Home Dads is via the internet. Websites like Rebeldad.com and AtHomeDad.org are bringing men who are primary caretakers together at a rapidly increasing pace. In fact, it was at Rebeldad.com that I first learned about the 11th Annual At Home Dad Convention.

After spending ten years in Chicago, the convention almost didn’t happen this year. A venue change was needed and a core group of guys scrambled to keep it going.

“I felt it was a valuable resource that shouldn’t be allowed to fade away,” said Andy Ferguson, one of the co-organizers of the convention.

*

Saturday I got up bright and early.

Too early considering I had a hotel room to myself and nary a kid demanding my attention in sight.

Then I went to the lobby for a few cups of (much needed) complimentary coffee.

I spotted a few AHDs doing the same.

Shortly there after I joined Kansas City dad Kevin “Kace” Christensen whose car had been now dubbed a “shuttle” and made my way with a few other fathers to the spot on the campus of UMKC where the convention was taking place.

The 44-year-old Christensen has been a stay-at-home-dad for almost four years. He gave up a career as a corporate events planner for Sprint to be the primary caregiver for his daughter. A Civil War buff who regularly takes part in reenactments, he says the biggest hurdle he has had to overcome are the same any parent at home would face like “figuring out how to deal with the next developmental stage of your kid and keeping the household running smoothly.”

Organizer Andy Ferguson has attended two previous conventions and like Christensen, is a member of the local KC Dads group which boasts a membership of about sixty. “But the active core is smaller,” he says. “Around fifteen to twenty guys are very active.”

Ferguson, a deceptive forty in that Ron Howard sort of way, abandoned an academic career to become a stay-at-home-dad. “Iced an unfinished joint PhD in French & Humanities at Stanford,” he says.

After ten years in a suburb of Chicago, this year the convention relocated to Kansas City. When the last location went under, Ferguson along with eight other dads rallied to save the convention by bringing it to Kansas City.

“It’s a great reassurance and confidence booster for new dads, a fun social time for all dads, and I think it gives us a forum and levels of credibility, helping us push the media towards a positive understanding and view of at-home dads.”

Me, I wasn’t feeling too reassured and confident yet. And fun and social still seemed like a stretch. But truth be told, I was also missing my boys.

*

I arrived at the University of Missouri-Kansas City campus and watched the other fathers – some crusty from the previous night’s meet & greet at a local brewery - pile out of cars. Then we all made our way to the Women’s Center where the day’s events were held.

People registered, breakfast is consumed and introductions were made.

And soon after, the first of the day-long breakouts began.

I attended a breakout on kids and the internet which was really informative but mostly pertained to parents of the tween’er set and kids who use email. The moderator was Dave Lux from Chicago and he had some scary shit to say; like the fact that 1 out of 7 children will be sexually solicited in a year’s time or that 75 percent of children are willing to share personal info online.

I made a mental note and placed this in a file for a few years down the road when my kids actually use the computer for such purposes. Right now both my kids strictly use the computer for video games and virtual puzzles but I am aware that my 6-year-old knows how to boot the sucker up and has gone online unsupervised. It wasn’t so much of an issue say a year ago, but now as a first grader and ardent speller the boy could easily find himself viewing inappropriate material whether it’s some knucklehead lighting himself on fire on YouTube or one misplace vowel away from stumbling upon a porn link.

Taking candy from a stranger somehow seems like such a trivial thing these days. Yet it’s basically the same principle applied here.

After a brief break it’s onto the next seminar which covered the topic of going back to work and preparing yourself for a return to the job market. Much of what is discussed pertains to recent grads more than At Home Dads but the general info regarding resumes and cover letters was a nice refresher.

What wasn’t explained (and maybe because it can’t be) is how to address the gap in work history due to being a stay-at-home-dad. One fellow is really concerned about how this will look a few years down the road and is aggressively taking courses and looking into grad school to make sure he’s got something to account for during that time besides bottles, diapers and memorizing the theme to Barney. “I love you, you love me, wish I had my PhD!”

For Brian Reid, the guy who runs and moderates the site Rebeldad.com, the gap in time wasn’t a problem when reentering the job market because he maintained a freelance writing career. “I kept at it, even at a diminished pace,” he said via an email interview. But returning to work was difficult. He said the stress of the commute and being at the right place at the right time took some adjusting. “You never want your child to be the last one picked up at preschool,” he added.

*

Lunch is basically the make-your-own sandwich spread and serves its purpose to fuel up the conventioneers for another couple hours of talking heads, fluorescent lights and all things At Home Dad-esque.

*

My post lunch breakout is an open discussion amongst the dads that was segregated by age. I hit up the two to five agegroup even though my oldest is six. I figured I’d get some fresh insight on 3-year-olds and possible shed some knowledge myself to those about to run into the five to six-year-old bracket.

Lots of interesting discussions came up: from the importance of routines to clean-up tactics.

“Routine is key,” said Steve Lundy from the KC Dads group. He used the 3 B rule: “bath, books, bed,” he said.

Minnesota Dad Tom Vytlacil pointed out that while routine is key, kids are “event sensitive not time sensitive.”

With all the great ideas and good advice, I suddenly felt like I’d been teleported to an episode of Dr. Phil with all the high level of enthusiasm being used to fuel these informative exchanges.

From there, I was off to the Kids, Nutrition & Behavior talkfest.

This breakout focused more specifically on the concept of a minimally processed, organic food diet. This being the Midwest, it came off a bit forced trying to push this type of diet on what I perceived as a meat-and-potatoes sensibility of the locale. Working in food service and living in the most cosmopolitan part of my state, most of this is either old news or stuff I have already have implemented (buying/using local and seasonal goods, substituting soy milk for cow’s milk and keeping the sweets to a minimum). Simply put, it all could have been stripped down to the old adage “you are what you eat.”

The last breakout of the day was about depression and isolation and the one I probably got the most out of despite the fact that it had this sort of Iron John/AA vibe to it: we are all men with this unique experience and we are not alone.

The day finished with brainstorming sessions on likes and dislikes and on getting a leg up with the planning of the 12th Annual At Home Dad convention. Capping off that was men sharing their anecdotes with the crowd. Naturally, I broke out my eldest son’s “breathing penis” story.

I won’t tell it again, you had to be there for it.

*

Being at stay-at-home-dad is – essentially – an alternative lifestyle. And maybe that’s why I’ve been able to handle it very well. I grew up on “extreme” sports like skateboarding and bicycle motocross and spent my adolescent years entrenched in punk rock ideologies. Getting labeled “different” has never been something new to me.

During a recent trip to attend my 20-year high school reunion, I found a few of my classmates were surprised to find out that I was an at-home-dad.

“I was very surprised,” said former classmate and car pool buddy Michael Halak. “I always knew you’d do something creative with your life, however, I did not expect it being a stay-at-home-dad.” He added that he wasn’t sure if the surprised was that I was a stay-at-home dad or because he just plain didn’t know anybody who was one.

But a few of my old friends weren’t so surprised

“You were always ahead of your time and not constrained by acceptable social norms,” says former classmate (and former Navy SEAL) Rob Jardeleza.

But some men don’t find it so easy and simply can’t find the support.

And that’s clearly where the growing number of At Home Dad groups comes into play.

A valuable source for finding or starting one can be found by visiting websites like AtHomeDad.org. There are other valuable resources as well like the Triangle Men’s Center in Raleigh, NC, which seeks to “strengthen men as they occupy the roles of son, father, husband/partner, friend and citizen.”

Isolation and the feeling of not having other men with the same shared experience to talk to is one of the biggest hurdles of the job, if not the biggest. Dads are often excluded from happenings like “Mommies Mornings Out,” or even play dates. Some conventioneers relay stories about actually being ostracized at the park. “Like I’m some sort of pedophile,” says one dad.

Or disconcerting comments like “Oh, I guess its Day-with-Dad day,” and the ever-popular “That’s so great your work schedule allows you time to be with your kids.”

But a lot of men find salvation through the internet with a large number actually blogging about their experiences as the primary caregiver. A peek at Rebeldad’s blogroll shows it’s 60-plus and growing.

*

Back at the hotel the convention has wound down. Several guys gathered in the hospitality suite, downed beers, and waited for the chartered bus to take us to dinner at Kansas City’s storied barbeque joint Arthur Bryant’s.

A quick survey of the room spotted a sea of hockey jerseys, baseball hats, bald heads and goatees, Nebraska Cornhusker sweatshirts, grey hair, leather jackets and sideburns, jogging shoes and windbreakers. All a bunch of garden variety guys with one thing in common: we are all stay-at-home dads.

After dinner a few of us migrated down to a local bar for cigars and pints. There’s the bald IT dude from Chicago and a New Zealander transplant; a lippy New Englander, a music journalist from London – then myself, the self-proclaim punk rock dad.

Or as the young lady put it on the plane: losers.

We drank beer, did shots of tequila, smoked cigars, talked about sports and music and life… just like millions of men around the world.

And like most men around the globe, I awoke Sunday morning to a hangover… with one crucial difference.

I had to fly back home in time to get dinner on the table and my boys bathed and in bed by 8pm.