my wife broke down in tears today several times. i think the post pardem depression is setting in and im realy at a loss for words here. Im trying to comfort my wife as gentile as possible on this 1 but i cant help feeling horrible for my wife. iknow she loves are son and so far she has been an outstanding mother. im shedding tears for my wife on this cuz it kills me to see her so unhappy and am trying not to show her so i dont add to her emotions.......any words of wisdom would be well appreciated.
I need some help fellas
what I did.
When my wife first went back to work I used to drive her to work on Monday's with my son so she could say goodbye and pick her up so she could say Hi. It added a few more hours to her time with my son and made Mondays so much easier for her, but was short lived. Also, I "Asked for her help" I asked her to feed him his last bottle and put him to bed at night. Which gave her time alone everynight. Then I asked her to wake him up and feed him his morning bottle, again the alone time. A month went by and she seemed to adjust to missing our son. It is also important to stress that she is doing so much to run the family and to include her in some of the household chores she used to do.
1. you do not have to do them and reduces the amount house work you have to do and gives you more time to be a good dad
2. she gets a sense of added accomplishment.
3. check out the TickTock answer in http://www.athomedad.org/node/2598
I found the more involvement your wife has with raising your children the quicker she will find her way out. If not she needs to see someone to help professionaly.
Bass
I know how it is like. My wife went on/off medications after being pregnant with my daughter. You got to be strong and tell her things will be better. Just do not give in to her will. If she feels like hurting herself or the baby, that is. Other than that...be strong, love her and keep her strong...and baby her..that is something she needs...
Okay, You Asked
A few things to think about before this will make any sense to you:
How long ago did she give birth?
Do you have other children?
When is her next O.B. appointment?
Post partum depression can be very serious. You've read stories about dad coming home to find the unimaginable. Do not downplay the issue.
Our OB said onset is usually at about six weeks, but can vary greatly. Also, it can be very unpredictable: one minute she's fine, the next she's not. It is NOT in her head. It is chemical. There are medications for this, and they work. We were never directed to any studies, but our doc assured us that the meds would not have an adverse effect on our son, even if she continued to nurse.
If she does not have an appointment within one week, make one for her. Do not wait. It seems like talking to her will help, and doing all the right things and avoiding all the wrong things will help too, and they probably will. But you can't talk this away, no matter how incredible you are. She needs professional help.
If you have other kids, they will need a little extra help too. Just a few extra comments about how Mommy isn't feeling well, or needs some extra rest. After her recovery, she will be back to being the same woman you knew before.
VERY IMPORTANT POINTS:
It is not her fault.
It is not your fault.
It is not the baby's fault - it just happens.
Do not change the meds without the doc's permission/knowledge. As soon as she starts to feel better, she might think she doesn't need them anymore. Let a trained pro decide.
Know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep coming here, or somewhere, anywhere, for support.
Get as much sleep as you can. This may take more energy than you expect.
Do not overwhelm anyone in your house (especially your wife) by inviting to much 'help'.
The chores can wait. (wear dirty laundry, eat from paper plates)
As you always do, keep your family the highest priority.
Sorry, I sound a little 'preachy'. It's just that I've been there, and it can be a hard road. I hope you get quick effective help, and it eases the whole process for all of you.
Do I remember that you are in Plainfield? Or near Chicago somewhere? If you need a referral, let me know and I'll try to give you a name or two.
Jim
Boulder, CO
Dad to Cole, Luke & Trev
A little help.
1. You need to seek professional help for her imediately. In doing this, don't be too forceful, but use other family members, e.g., your mother-in-law or father-in-law if you have too. This issue is too big for you, or for any husband alone. And, it could cost you your wife and child if you don't take care of it quickly and thoroughly.
2. Little things like driving her to work with the baby can help. I did that too, and it was cool to hear that jimpmc did it too for his wife. It's a good idea if you can do it.
3. Look at this old thread: http://www.athomedad.org/node/1948. It's not exactly the same issue, but it gives some good ideas on how to handle psychological issues when they pop up once in a while. I had some good feedback on my comment on that thread, so maybe you can use some of it to help you. I sure hope so.
4. Get help now. Get professional help. Make a secret call without telling your wife, just to get some initial advice from a professional. Call your wife's OB/GYN to get some ideas of where to get help.
Let us know what happens if you can.
JPhilip
Also do the Work-Drive
That helped a lot. As did letting her do the bath-bed routine alone for the first couple of months she was back at work.
http://backpackingdad.blogspot.com
BPD
I "let" my wife do bed and bath too. I have to say that I really enjoyed the break as well. And, even though it's more work for her at the end of a long day, it helped her stay connected and intimate. Obviously, it's a special time for the little ones as well.
After we had our second, I couldn't "let" her do it anymore. It takes a team effort most of the time. And, now that we have 3, it leaves you with butterflies in your stomach when you are facing the possibility of flying solo at bedtime for three little boys.
we have been home together
we have been home together since the baby came home.....ive been layed off from work for 3 weeks now so its been great being able to spend all this time with my son. she has 6 weeks maternity leave. this is are first baby so yes we worry about everything. the things that are making her so emotional are the breast feeding, and her assesment on how happy she is about the whole situation. she feels like shes not as happy as she should be now that the baby is here and its making her feel guilty. but when i see her with are son{crying aside} i see a awesome mother who loves are son very much.....we are gonna talk to her obgyn today and take it from there
My wife had pre-partum
My wife had pre-partum depression during the second trimester but luckily it ended before we had to do anything. We are both worried now about post-partum depression now since her hormones have been so wacky this pregnancy. I told her I wasn't going to mess around and if she starts acting weird again I'm taking her to the doctor.
Meds
My wife had to go on Zoloft for a couple of months after Jane was born. It took about two days of taking it for her to change 180 degrees for the better. To echo what a lot of folks are saying, don't be afraid to have her ask her doctor- she didn't even have to go it for a visit- since she'd had a baby four weeks earlier they knew off the bat that she had post-partum depression.
Bassmaster
She is experiencing the effects of the "Big lie" of parenthood. When you talk about having kids everyone talks about it being this this incedibly joyful thing, and it can be. But it is also the most stressful thing you will ever do as well. So there are going to be times when you may be a little down on the whole thing. Now in those conversations with others you get this idea that you are supposed to be in near orgasmic joy all of the time and it just is not that way. This can lead to some depression especially in women who are really sold the idea that you are not complete without having your kid.
Hang in there. Keep your antenna up and be cautious of how she is reacting to things. Since we are not there, we really cannot tell if you need to get her out on meds, see a professional or just ride it out as part of giving birth.
Here is what I think is the key. Listen to your gut. You know your wife, your kid and your situation. When these things really need intervention, you will know it, but you may try to tell yourself it is OK. If your gut is telling you otherwise, you will need to get some support.
Greg
RenoDad
I was just thinking the same thing about the Big Lie. Well said.
North Carolina Dad's Group
http://lindsaybeans.blogspot.com
http://oneredsquirrelinstatesville.blogspot.com
PPD
Quote:
Now in those conversations with others you get this idea that you are supposed to be in near orgasmic joy all of the time and it just is not that way. This can lead to some depression especially in women who are really sold the idea that you are not complete without having your kid.
Sounds exactly like what ate up my wife when our son was born. She wasn't happy, she was terribly depressed, she couldn't figure out why, she was scaring me, and it was getting to be a real concern. Everyone was so happy, and she wasn't, and it pissed her off even more.
Our answer was to just have everyone on the "in" be low-key but supportive, and we (mother-in-law, S-I-L, and me) did what we could to take any work load off of the wife.
She's happy now, our son is fine, and I'm still an at-home dad, with plans for me to be an AHD for child 2.
Joined: 2008-01-28
Dad Points: 58