Welcome to the site!

I totally get where you are coming from. I have been an at-home dad for my two kids for almost 8 years now. My wife (also a CPA and partner in her firm) and we have struck a fine balance for us to each have that time to ourselves.

You say she's lucky to be out with the adult interaction for 10 hours a day. Sure, I suppose you are sort of maybe right. To a point. If you think about it. (and please do!) YOU are the lucky one. Her "adult interaction" isn't really the fun stuff. Adult, yes. fun....debatable. (CPA talk?) Not that you said it was fun, but...There is nothing really stopping you from having adult interaction is there?

But, I think what she is looking for from you isn't so much to ask. She's just looking for some quality "Family Time". Sure, you have the kids all day. OK. Now she's home, you instantly pass the kids off? Now she has them and you want to disappear for quiet time to surf the web? (I just want to make sure I read your post right.) How does this land on the kids? Hey, she loves you, she's missed you, she wants to spend time with you. Is that so bad? She loves the kids, she's missed the kids, she wants to spend time with them too! She'll love you for it. Your kids will love you for it. You'll be glad you did.

She can go outside and play with them in the yard (or park if it is close by) while you prepare dinner, or after, while you clean up. (just throwing ideas out here)

I don't think either of you are asking too much. If you both sit down and talk about this, you'll probably find that you have time for family time and time for yourself to surf the web. (Let's see...family time...surf the web...family time...surf the web...hmmmm) There's time for both!

I dunno...just my.02

I'm sure you'll find that happy medium. Again, welcome to the site!

BrianC

p.s. perhaps I overused the "surfing the web" thing to make my point, but I get the gist of what you were saying.

I wasn't necessarily saying YOU should be doing it all...

Hi Jeff,

In our home, when my wife is there, it is a shared responsibility. My kids (5 and 8) are old enough to help clear the table after dinner and that makes my job easier. I do the rest to clean up to allow them to share some time together and for me to get my kitchen back in order the way I like it, and it goes pretty quick and easy. For us, for me, it works.

Have a pow-wow with your wife and discuss what exactly your "job description", besides the obvious day time kid-stuff might be and how you and she are going to share in the rest of the responsibilities.

I used to work in one of the large ad agencies in downtown Chicago before becoming an at-home dad. Managing this and doing that and the glamor shots and images and national print and outdoor advertising that EVERYBODY saw. But, the way I see it now, what I do is FAR more important and WAY FAR more gratifying to me.

It came down to this for me - Who am I going to be today? Am I Art Director/Production Manager of yesteryear's previous sweatshop trend-monger ad agency career or am I super-silly,fun, dedicated, ever present, loving dad?

I think a key for you may be to not keep bringing your past into your present and your future. Sure, you used to be all of that. But, now you are at-home dad. If you seriously don't want to be doing this, then don't! You will be miserable if you keep on doing something that you don't like, or rather, don't want to be doing. (because I know you more than like what you do!) In the words of Joseph Campbell, "Follow your bliss". But, I do digress and may be getting off point here....

I don't play golf or hunt either. To get out and maintain my sanity I started playing guitar in a "Dad Band" with other dads in the neighborhood. (I'd like to call the band The Grateful Dad, but I am the only deadhead in the band-we'll see...) We're not quite up to par with "ChestPains" another Dad's punk band here on the site, but we have fun! I'll also go out and occasionally throw darts with some ol' work pals, or just hang at the local tavern and catch a game on TV with some friends. On the last Sunday of the month I'll occasionally go to the Dads Night Out with the ChicagoDads. I ride my bike. I paint. I joined our Homeowner's Association and it turned out to be fun! I met some cool people and it is fun to meet once a month, have a couple beers talk and plan stuff for our community and be involved and make a difference. Out of that I took on doing our local newsletter. (circulation a whopping 360! People get to know me, I get to know them and voila! There's that adult interaction!)

Yes, we all can and do get a little depressed at times and that's what makes this site so great. It is an outlet for us to come to and vent, get some advice, laugh and find out that we are not the only ones who feel the way you are feeling.

But, for now I gotta scram!

Take care Jeff!

Brian

That may be true, but I also think that the depression is understandable. Taking pride in your new parenting job helps, but the reality is that a lot of this stuff can be very, very boring at times. I don't think that it's unreasonable to need something in your life that's a little more mentally stimulating than cleaning the house, playing peek-a-boo for the 200th time, or preparing yet another dinner. For some people, a lof of that mental exercise previously came from their work or maybe from other places. Like a marathon runner who suddenly switches to being a couch potato, it can be a harsh transition to give up that mental exercise. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's not really about parenting versus work. The key, I think, is to try to replace what's missing. Maybe it's not "status" as much as "intellect", "adult interaction", or things like that.

Brian talked about this some in his post - he has good advice about getting involved in other things. If you define yourself as a dinner prep robot, you'll probably be miserable. If you keep that as one part of your life and remember that you have other dimensions to youself, you'll keep the depression to a minimum. Easier said than done at times, but still worth trying to do.

"Maybe it's not "status" as much as "intellect", "adult interaction", or things like that."

I apologize, Jeff, b/c I definitely read more of a complaint about status rather than stimulation, as mb rightly corrects me on above. Jumped the gun -- my fault.

No, there is definitely a lot to think about when it comes to dealing with moving from stetching the mind by tackling big problems vs. numbing the mind when tackling playdoh. I don't think anything can replace the workplace buzz one gets in an office -- gardening, exercise, reading, blogging, posting here -- nothing is quite the same. I guess I don't try to make it be, either -- it's just different. But yes, falling into a sort of fog is easy to do.