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Vacation All I Ever Wanted.

New No.2
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 Joined: 2007-11-12
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I spent 10 days this month in Istanbul with my oldest and dearest friend. We laughed, saw great art and architecture, smoked Cuban cigars, and went to wonderful restaurants. I hadn’t seen my friend, Barry, in almost 3 years. He and his wife, Meltem, have a 4 month old, and it was great to see everyone.

For 10 days I talked about adult things, saw the wall Roman Legionaries built to defend Constantinople, drank tea by the bucket, and watched massive tanker ships crawl up the Bosporus. Barry and I laughed and laughed. Then I had to come home. I was emotional at the airport. I was sad to leave but eager to see my wife and daughter. It’s hard to leave an old friend not knowing when you will see them again.

What got me was the realization of how absent these things are in my life as an AHD. To be home toilet training and making small talk at the park. How much of my mind I have to shut off to be home all day. I have been glum and irritable since I got home. Part of me wishes I hadn’t gone away. Granted I needed the break but now I feel…empty, and uncertain as to what my future will hold for me when my girl goes to school?

I wasn’t home 24 hours and I was dealing with my revolting gobshite landlord and the city and all the problems resulting from the fire in our building. I was still jet lagged and trying to talk legalese with people. It was a fast and hard come down from the magnificence of Higha Sophia.

I – we – gave up a lot for out families but what comes next? I’m realizing I haven’t thought about it.

Has this happened to anyone else?

Thanks for listening


‹ first steps We love being dads so much that we are ready to adopt again! ›

Submitted by New No.2 on Wed, 06/25/2008 - 12:29pm.

Glenn42
Posts: 19
 Joined: 2006-11-18
 Dad Points: 22
Yep

It is a bit scary thinking about how to approach the 'after SAHD' phase. I quit a job I had 10 years to stay home with my boy 26 months ago and haven't looked back... but looking forward can make me anxious. I was the Webmaster for a billion-dollar company and really liked what I was doing. I invested months in learning new technologies in the ever-changing field... and now don't even have my home server running except to stream media inside the house. With all the changes in the field, I'll have a steep learning curve to get back to where I was.

On the other hand, my 9-month old daughter stood today on her own for the first time, and I was there to see it, take video, and call my wife at work with the news as it happened. She then pulled herself up to a push walker and walked across the living room on her own. Last night, I got up 4 times between 12:30 and 4:00 to comfort my son who was having bad dreams, and woke up not being pissed off that I was too tired.

Keep those times in mind when you're feeling like you were today. I still have about 4 years before I'll be hanging up the SAHD hat, but thinking/making plans about/for that time has helped me get past the doldrums you described. Will I go back to Web design? Get my commercial pilot's license? Take over my parents' preschools? Probably a mix, but who knows for sure. Knowing the options are out there is what helps.

I do know what you're going through, though... as I suspect most on this board do. My most recent experience of getting back to reality was a class V whitewater rafting trip in WV last year with my brother and his friends. Camping, drinking, rafting, and just being guys for a long weekend left me on an incredible high, and getting back to real life did suck for a little while. But thinking back now to those first steps today or to my son sounding out words as he reads his first book on his own makes that trip pale in comparison.

~ Glenn

PS: Your trip sounds like it was a blast... hope you took a bunch of pics!


Thu, 06/26/2008 - 12:07am

msmithivas
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Posts: 96
 Joined: 2006-11-05
 Dad Points: 164
I can definitely relate

Every now and then the wife issues a "shore leave" pass and I get a weekend to myself. Recently I went to a tech startup bootcamp where we launched a company in 48 or so hours. I remembered what it was like when I was working insane hours during the dot com goldrush. I don't know what to tell you except that you're having an experience most men don't get the privilege of experiencing and that hopefully will reap benefits to you and your family later in life.


Thu, 06/26/2008 - 12:17am

dbrigham
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Posts: 276
 Joined: 2007-09-20
 Dad Points: 371
ditto

Ditto to what the other guys have said. You just have to make the most of the time away from the kids, when you get to act like and adult (or a big kid!), engage in conversations about "real-world" topics or just enjoy a meal where you don't have to cut anybody's food or constantly say, "Just eat two more bites -- please!"

As for what to do post-SAHD, I have no idea either. It will involve writing, most likely. But I've been thinking about doing something that "matters," whether it's related to environmental issues, poverty issues, literacy, who knows. Whatever it is, it won't be as great as what I'm doing now. And I need to find something that doesn't require too many high-tech skills, as I never had those before I began my SAHD hitch.

Just keep that trip to Istanbul close to your heart, look at whatever pictures you took and make plans to do that stuff as much as you can.

Dave, full-time child roadie for Owen and Amelia
www.davebrigham.com


Thu, 06/26/2008 - 9:47am

Cliff The Fire Dad
Posts: 16
 Joined: 2008-06-10
 Dad Points: 32
The future is bright but distant

I have at least 14 years left as a SAHD. I will be 53 years old when my son graduates from high school. If all goes as planned, my wife and I will join the ranks of the retired a few short years after that. I look at this as my career. I can think of no other career out there that has half the challenges and rewards as this one. Sure the monetary pay really sucks, but the intangibles more than make up for it. On any "real world" job you are only dealing with money. You mess up, someone loses some money, no big deal. On this job, you screw it up and peoples lives for perhaps a couple of generations are ruined. I know I will look back on these as the most rewarding and full filling of my life.

I think the thing that we as adults start to miss the most as SAHDs is critical, thought provoking conversations and interactions. That is one of the main reasons I joined this group. To get that in the real world, you must find a outside the home passion. It sounds like many of you had great careers that you were passionate about and filled your mental needs. My suggestion is to go find something that you are passionate about and get involved in it. MAKE time, even if it is one night a week and a couple of Saturdays. It will make a world of difference in your mental health. I know that if I do not get to make my weekly fire meetings and do other things with that group, I get very edgy and easily irritated from lack of outside stimulation.

Is getting involved in an outside group going to take the place of 10 days in Istanbul, no. But it might hold you over until the next big trip.

When in doubt, call the fire department. Unless there is violence involved.


Thu, 06/26/2008 - 10:31am

New No.2
New No.2's picture
Posts: 610
 Joined: 2007-11-12
 Dad Points: 850
Thnaks.

Thanks for all the support guys. I know that you know how I feel.
I have tried to make times for my intelectual and creative interestes but it doesn't always pan out the way one hopes. I admit I miss my friend more than anything. I don't have anyone inmy life that is capable of and interested in long disscussions about the Persian Wars and the battle of Thermopylae.

Unlike many of you cats I have never had a great job experiance. Ihad a few good ones but never something I missed when it was over. I was already at home when my daughter was on her way. Alsi, I know what I want to do but the question is, as always, will I be able to do it?

Be Seeing You.


Thu, 06/26/2008 - 11:10am

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