Gentlemen, both young (in child/age/heart) and old,

A cry for help has gone out. True, this call did not take the usual form ("How do I keep the baby from projectile vomiting on the cat (and vice versa)?"), but it is nonetheless a man (or possibly an oversexed woman masquerading as a man, see the aptly retitled "Ridiculous spam thread") in distress.

Yes, our ossified kindred whose fingers ache righteously from their hundreds of valuable Dad Points worth of posts and whose children parrot back (or possibly improve upon) their every incensed curse as they suffer through our vibrant, young, and essentially banal child-care triviana..

Wait, that sentence was going somewhere, but wherever it was was beyond my child-like attention span.

Anyway, our ossified kindred (as personified in this post by reference to ticktock, whose image does, after all, seem a bit raytracedly rigid) have practically fallen to their aching knees and begged us young 'uns for adult conversation. Not the wisest strategy, but here in my comfortably brilliant supernova of narcissistic egotism, that's how I see it.

Now, the preferred topic seems to be kinky sex with talented amateur Russian professionals, but as everything I know about that I learned from JPhillip, I have chosen.. movies.

But not the Dark Knight or even (please don't suck, please don't suck, ...) the Watchmen.

I'm tocking old movies.

But, you don't have to choose the same. Yes, gentlemen, rise to the occasion and earn, like, 10 Dad Points by starting your own Adult Conversation Thread Designed To Amuse Ticktock, New No. 2, and those who (in all seriousness) have made our vomit-stained lives easier.

So, old movies.

My wife and I (pre-truffle pig) watched every Academy Award for Best Picture-winning movie ever made. This took most of a year but was very cheap (thank you, library!). See http://www.imdb.com/Sections/Awards/Academy_Awards_USA/ for a list, but note that there were actually TWO winners in 1927 ("Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans" was the other, one for technical and one for artistic.. guess which was which).

Some surprising conclusions below. Note that I give the year the film was made, not the year the award was given.

(1) Old movies often rock and new movies don't always suck except when they're Titanic. Then, they totally suck and aren't even very historically accurate.

(2) I really don't understand how you separate the quality of an actor's performance from the quality of direction.

(3) The 1940s rocked the Academy's world. If you could just swap 1939's Gone With the Wind (yes, gentlemen, GWTW is a great movie, and I'm NOT an oversexed wife pretending to be a stay at home dad for difficult-to-explain reasons, but if I was, wouldn't that be just what I said?) with 1941's execrable How Green Was My Valley (a pathetic GWTW knockoff with pasty performances a whiny story and irrelevant singing), everything from 1940 all the way up to but not including the overblown but not actually torture-according-to-Bush-administration-guidelines 1952 Charlton Heston vehicle The Greatest Show on Earth was pretty awesome. What made the '40s so good? Besides the engrossing stories, fascinating politics of the day (take the mid-war Allied propaganda flick Mrs. Miniver), openly addressed painful issues (The Lost Weekend is more than just a necessary cultural reference, and The Best Years of Our Lives shines a light on soldiers [failing at..] reintegrating into society), it had Casablanca and (with my temporal sleight-of-hand) Gone With the Wind, damnit! Two of the best movies ever made!

Rounding it out:

Rebecca is creepy-lovely Hitchcock, and the setting should really get a Best Actor award.

HGWMV you'll remember was magically replaced with GWTW.

Mrs. Miniver covered above, but really a propaganda story that you can ride with glee. The ragtag evacuation fleet scene is amazing.

Casablanca. Ohh..

Going My Way won't change your life, but it's good clean musical fun.

The Lost Weekend I actually found MUCH scarier than Rebecca. You get about three minutes at the start to feel good about the movie and from then on out you join an alcoholic's personal hell. Not all good movies leave you feeling good.

The Best Years of Our Lives also covered above, but it's worth noting that the actor who plays a kid who lost his hands is a kid who lost his hands. And, he won Best Actor (and deserved it.. it's an unpolished but convincing and powerful performance).

Gentleman's Agreement was strange for me. I'm Jewish, yet I didn't really identify with how the sometimes-stigma of being Jewish was portrayed. Then again, this was only a few years after the Holocaust; so, it's hard for me to know. Either way, it's weak tea compared to the rest of the decade but still good stuff.

Laurence Olivier really IS a good Hamlet, though my favourite is still Kevin Kline.

They should remake All the King's Men right now. Barack, watch it, and watch out on those FISA votes. Lovely performances.

Leaving the 40's and including two shoulder films..

All About Eve is filled with BRILLIANT performances that make you squirm. (Note: it's about old-timers being supplanted by young 'uns. The movie's advice: enjoy it, it was never so hot being where you were, anyway.)

An American in Paris is a MUCH better musical than Going My Way, and the dance and set design absolutely takes my breath away. A Dad's note: the views of Paris in the surreal dance scenes make me think a bit of the art in Madeline, though they're not really that similar.

And, just for those of you who read this far, what else is worth watching?

If you like old movies, watch (in this order),

The Great Ziegfeld (fantastic flick that gives you a feel for what the stage was like, and William Powell and Myrna Loy rock.. you can see them again in the Thin Man movies if you like, plus Asta!).

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans and Wings (both silent, the only silent winners, and both really masterful films.. I was dubious about Sunrise, but it won me over.. see how much films have LOST with dialog's introduction).

and..

Gird yourself up, watch as much of The Broadway Melody as you can, the first stinker winner and the first talkie to win. But, since you watched TGZ before, you'll understand why it must have been a thrill for so many people that could never afford to travel to the big city to see one of Ziegfeld's Follies to see a pale imitation in TBM. A fascinating cultural experience, though it STILL sucks.

Otherwise, standouts really are all over the place, but here's the ones that suck: Cimarron, How Green was My Poo, Greatest Show on Earth, From Here to Eternity (yes, despite the rolling in the surf scene), The French Connection (I can see better car chases in the Blues Brothers, for God's sake!), Braveheart (historically inaccurate Gibson tripe), Titanic (like the horrible mutant child of Dances With Wolves and Braveheart),

Here's the one's whose greatness I just didn't grok: Grand Hotel, On the Waterfront (not boring, per se, but it really isn't a contender), Marty (but at least it's short!), Around the World in Eighty Days (but better than the remake!), Rocky (yeah, it was OK, but great?), The Deer Hunter (maybe you gotta be from Pittsburgh.. but my wife from the 'burgh didn't really like it either), Gladiator (but I watched it while terribly lonely for my wife, who saw it separately on the opposite coast.. that said, Roman Emperors don't duke it out in the gladiator's ring, EVER).

And a few more must-sees singled out: All Quiet on the Western Front (for old movie/war movie lovers), It Happened One Night (for, I kid you not, Looney Tunes lovers.. seriously, do your kids love Bugs and Elmer? Screen this for age appropriateness), Bridge on the River Kwai (Obiwan, you rock), The Apartment (or better yet, Days of Wine and Roses, a movie that shows off Jack Lemmon's comedic genius and yet is, like all truly great comedies, a tragedy), The Godfathers I and II (it's not just hype, people), The Sting (the first movie I bought on DVD), Amadeus (the first movie my wife bought on DVD), Gandhi and The Last Emperor (if you like BIG movies), Schindler's List (I cried at "This car. Goeth would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people right there." but, as mentioned above, I'm Jewish.. maybe it won't hit you as hard), Forrest Gump (love the music), and American Beauty (Kevin Spacey is delightfully bland).

Ticktock, are you happy? Tell me I done good. You're my idol, man.

Cheers,

Steve