If this is what is best for your family, then proceed as planned. Your attitudes about this transition will change daily, if not more often. You'll both think it was a mistake. You'll both think it was the best decision you could ever have made. He'll curse you for doing this to him, just as you likely did him during labor. But in the end, you will both still be amazing people who have a son that needs care....from BOTH of you. Divorced people are part-time parents, not married people with one of you at home. You are full time parents and will be for the rest of your lives. Get your heads around that notion first and foremost.

Next, he needs to realize that the size of his paycheck isn't relative to how good a husband, father or man he is. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy for me, because like your husband, I thought if I wasn't making money I wasn't being a real man. (I grew up in a small town in TX where men worked and women stayed home.) But then I potty trained my son and never once got pee'd on, so I had that to claim for awhile. Then I taught my oldest son how to play hockey and hit like the big boys do, so I had that going for me. Then I taught my daughter how to do a back flip on the trampoline and that was my cause celeb for a time. I simply replaced the old milestones and work related measuring sticks with newer, more sublime kid-related ones. I didn't get castrated for God's sake, I just switched places with my wife.

Some of my friends didn't get it and fell off the planet, but my true friends are still just that, and a couple have even expressed a desire to do what I do because they like the relationships I have with my kids. And there is the biggest adjustment. As a salesman, I got a bi-weekly report card on how well I was doing, called a paycheck. At home, there is no such report card. You just have to set goals yourself and put them on a timeline and then look back once they've been accomplished to see how you did. Do that, and you'll find the job is not unlike your old job, just with more baby barf and less politics.

As for your wife supporting you during this time? Just be patient with each other. Recognize that you BOTH are in uncharted waters here and keep the lines of communication open no matter what happens. Be brutally honest and as tactful as possible in doing so and you'll get through this I promise. Just remember that the ultimate goal is for one of you to always be there for your child and for both of you to be there for each other. Everything else is just details. Be true to that idea and don't be afraid to ask for help. Pride goes out the window with your first toxic butt explosion, so learn to laugh in the face of green poop. The sooner you do, the less stressed you all will be.

Most of all, enjoy the journey and realize that 99% of the people you know will never get to experience parenting the way you will. A very wise woman I know once sent me the following quote which I think sums this journey up very nicely:

This experience you are about to undertake is just such a treasure. Even the poopy green parts....

Making it look difficult. Living the dream.

This might sound harsh, but for me I really wanted to be a stay at home dad- it was a difficult decision because you are switching gears, but I never felt like a "failure". With time he may come around as he realizes how awesome of an opportunity it is, but starting out feeling like the job is less important or reserved for someone who has otherwise "failed" is probably not the best way to be going into it.

As a family perhaps have another discussion about why you want to have one of you stay home with your child. Focus on the positives there. If he still thinks he'll be unhappy or would rather you do it, then think about finding a quality daycare or creating a budget where he can be the one working while you stay home. Staying home with a child is not for everyone- it sounds like he has more than just the jitters about it if both of you think you staying home is better.

Oh, and don't send him to Mars Hill Church... ;-)

I came out of the pantry in 1991.

Keep talking to him. Reinforce and remind him not to worry what other people (including relatives) think. It only matters how you think of him.

Let your husband also know how difficult it is for you. While I was concerned about my transition, I overlooked the challenges Tina had to endure. It wasn't easy for her to take on the role of the primary breadwinner. That was just as unconventional as me staying home.

Most men are gunshy about hooking up with other guys and coming out of the pantry. Encourage him to join this list or your local at-home dad group if there is one in your area. If he resists, then contact the at-home dad group and have one of the dads invite him into the group. If you push him too much, it may come across as nagging. Excuse me for using the n-word. :)

I also wrote a book that might be of help to both of you "The Modern Mom's Guide to Dads" that you can purchase at the book store or amazon.com.

Here is a quote I wrote in the book that you can share with your husband.

"The quality of our life as a family was more important than the quality of our family's lifestyle."

Tina and I managed to survive on her teacher's salary in southern California for 18 years. Not every at-home dad has a wife who earns over $100,000 @ year.

Despite the unique challenges and rough road, Tina and I have no regrets about choosing the at-home dad lifestyle. Our boys are now 20, 19 and 15. The good times far out numbered the rough times.

Finally, let him know about the 14th Annual At-Home Dad Convention. It will be held in Omaha, Nebraska on October 10, 2009. The other guys and I would love to meet him.

Feel Proud, Be Proud, Act Proud to Be An At-Home Dad

Hogan

Definitely check out Hogan's book. The book listed below also helped me make the transition to AHD. AS I recall, there is a chapter or two about making the decision and/or transition as a family with an AHD

The Stay-at-Home Dad Handbook (Paperback)
by Peter Baylies

Good luck!
JIm

1. There is no written rules no what is and isn't to be done. Misatakes are going to be made and its OK. You, as his wife, do not make a big deal out of it because if he is into this job will be harder on himself for any mistakes that are made. Everybody will make mistakes, you included.
2. Give him space, do not call everytime feeding is to happen to remind him.
3. The sooner he gets poops on him the better, get it out of the way and get over it because it will happen again, only worse.
4. Get a home cardio machine and have him get fit and stay fit. Don't let postpartem weight gain be a man thing. Working out during a nap saved me and cleared my mind before I napped. Learn to njoy pushing a stroller.
5. Have him get a flu shot/mist. He will be no good to anybody if winter illness sets in.
6. Get him to join here and be an active member, good info is here, as is support.
Start a Blog to communicate for when the wintertime walls close in.

The list goes on and on but these helped me the most. Most of all, he needs to have fun, it's the best job and he will love to hate it at times.

_____
-MHD, and My New Project!
What good is a sundial in the shade?
-Ben Franklin

JonMcP...I was nervous about being a SAHD but never came into it feeling like a failure. Other than financial reasons I assume you two decided together that having someone at home was important? Or was it that you couldn't afford daycare.

I agree that playgroups, SAHD friends, this site...and perhaps the convention....are boosters but if your husband is going in with a "depressed" or "disappointed" attitude it should be looked at. It's kind of the opposite of the "bitter mom" syndrome with a working mom is bitter/guilty about NOT staying home. It can be bad for the relationship all around.

This is not to say that my wife and I had zero transition problems but I never felt like a "failure" and although she was somewhat guilty about the arrangement we both agreed that we wanted one of us home to be there for our child.

And just because a bunch of us made the decision to be home doesn't mean it's right for every family. I definitely think not all dads are meant to be AHD (and same is true for moms, btw).

Those are my two cents. Which in the current crisis is all I have left, I hope you appreciate them.

Josh

Josh

SAHD Since August 2005

I didn't come into this thinking I was a failure at my career, I had a motorcycle accident the first time. My second stint, this one, I began due to my job not paying me enough. We figured out we weren't getting ahead with me working just to pay a nanny to be home with the kids so I quit, we booted the nanny and that was that. It was a financial decision that just reminded us that we had always planned to have one of us be home with the kids anyway, so we ran with it. That was over 5 years ago.

I won't lie and tell you that I haven't felt ostracized by at home moms and working men alike for making this choice, but I have never regretted it. It sucks to be talked about in a negative way, but Hogan was right, it really only matters what YOU think of him. Everybody's relatives are so full of crap anyway, why would he care what they think about this? My dad, who turns 81 this month, thinks it's great that I'm a S@HD and jokingly says the only reason I am able to do it is because I don't have me to raise like he did.

Do I miss work? Sometimes. But not enough to quit being here with my kids. Knowing what I know now about how much you miss being a working man, my only regret is that I didn't start this sooner. Don't underestimate how hard this will be for you either. The first time one of the kids fell and hurt themselves and cried "Daddy!" instead of "Mommy" in front of my wife, she cried for over an hour. And people at work are so mindless about saying stupid things to my wife sometimes, but if you are doing what's right for your family, that is all you need to remember. Just as not everyone should be a pilot or an astronaut, not everyone should be an at home parent, man or woman. It takes a certain mindset and you either have it/want to develop it, or you don't. Doesn't make you a failure, it just makes you a realist. Play the hand you're dealt to the best of your ability and to hell with what other people think.

Why do you do the job you do? Because you like it and you're good at it, right? Same here, just longer hours, less pay, and better benefits. What more could you ask for? Other than maybe kids who potty train themselves and maid service....

Making it look difficult. Living the dream.

Good stuff so far. My 2:

You can both read and research all you want, but when it comes time to make the move, though, he has to accept it 100%, and so do you. The house is his command -- not like you are not still a vital part of everything, but he is the one committing to this role. He has to figure out how to do things his way, and you need to accept his way, even if it makes you cringe. Before long, your way will be making him cringe, and you will have a real SAHD issue to address. :-)

I don't understand how this could have been a mutual decision, though. Why would he agree to take on a role that leaves him feeling like a total failure? (Maybe you are overstating.) I don't know how he could 'transition' ever, feeling like that. Baby detail can kick your ass, and despite all the good moments and all the knowledge and feelings that you are doing the right thing, there will be a lot of 'down' days. Starting out miserable is bad news.

What worked for me on the financial front was the idea that income is only one of the resources that we needed to do the best we could building our family. I wasn't going to be providing that resource, but I would be providing love, nurturing, guidance, nutrition, first aid, protection, etc -- you can actually brainstorm all day about what an at-home parent provides in lieu of steady income. Watch your child thrive and assess your return.

Personally, I had a harder time with the 'identity' issues -- I had finally accepted that I was a coach and teacher, it was in my nature, I was good at it, trained in it, and I was in demand. (If pay wasn't so bad, I would have had a harder time.) It took me some time to realize that job does not equal identity. I was the same person, just on a new path. I just thought of that one lazy baby day while I was washing bottles, and it just flipped a switch.

Careful with this decision. I believe that two happy, working parents and a day care/nanny, while not great, is better than a miserable at-home parent.

Good luck. (And yes, he should go to the convention! He should have gone to Sacramento.)

-Jim L
Heed the Hogan. He is wise(r than he looks).

2009 SAHD Fishing Trip:
www.sahdsfish.4t.com

Jim L. wrote: Careful with this decision. I believe that two happy, working parents and a day care/nanny, while not great, is better than a miserable at-home parent.

This is SOOO true! You know, sometimes it's better to be working. But, since this is something you've committed to, then you BOTH have to try to make it work. Besides all the good advice you've received so far, I would also strongly recommend sitting down and actually writing out a contract of sorts. All too often a husband and wife contemplating this arrangement will have in their head an idea of how this will work. Usually, even with a connected couple, the two folks have very different idea of how things will work. This is one area that cause the most friction.

While before the new arrangement you both shared the load around the house, the husband may think the wife is still going to handle some of the laundry, or the clothes shopping. However, the wife wants the husband to now handle absolutely everything so they can really concentrate on their career. This can really cause trouble if you are not on the same page with the chores. Also, your idea of a clean bathroom may not be the same as your husband. One of the things that really drives most at home dads nuts is the outside house chores. In the “traditional” arrangement, husband working, wife at home or both working, the yard chores were done by the husband. Now as the stay at home father he is expected to do the house chores that are traditional with the at home parent AND the yard work as well. The more you can spell out what is expected by both parties the better off you will be. Get it all out on the table in the open before starting the new arrangement.
And as Hogan mentioned and is so important, your husband needs to really be sensitive to your feelings. It's hard for moms sometimes to be away at work when the baby takes their first steps, or says Mommy or Daddy for the first time. It really helps to set expectations as to how you want to know about these things. The more things you can lay out and talk about beforehand and know what to expect, the easier the transition will be.

And lastly, I just want to reinforce how important it is to get out of the house! Find a dads group if possible, even if your husband just joins an online dads community, it is very important. Having interaction with other adults is truly helpful. It's better to meet with other dads, but he will still need that adult interaction. There are many places to find playgroup around the country.

Hope that helps some,

Mike Stilwell
Anne's husband, AHD for 13+ years to: Patrick 22, Virginia 20, and Mary 12
Daddyshome, Inc.
DC Metro Dads
http://www.dcmetrodads.com

My wife and I decided that I should stay home for the same reasons and I also felt like somewhat of a failure. I'm an "older" dad and was raised to believe that you do whatever it takes in order to take care of your family. My dad hated his job but stayed there for 25 years until he died of a heart attack at age 47. It wasn't easy to let go of what I was taught about my financial responsibilities to my family but it has turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. Instead of feeling like a failure, I now feel succesful. Our 13 month old son is one of the happiest toddlers I've ever seen. It took some time to accept my new role but staying home with my son is the best job I've ever had. It's also the most important. The transition made me nervous and took some time but Hogan's book and this site helped. Getting out of the house and meeting other stay-at-home parents also helped. My wife supports me in my role by telling me that I'm a good father, helping around the house when I'm feeling less than motivated, letting me do things my way, giving me some breaks to go do my own thing, and letting me know that she understands and appreciates how much work I do.

After re-reading your initial post and the advice given, I have some concerns. While I appreciate your being proactive in getting ahead of this before you're eyeball deep in it, I think most, if not all of us would love to hear from your husband what he thinks about all this. I think you are worrying for him and projecting onto him what you feel will be the real issues/challenges for him. I also think he may not be decided yet and you are looking to strengthen your argument. Not to be a conspiracy theorist, but your choice of language tells me this is far from a done deal. Coupled with the fact that you are the one here checking things out and not him says you're not so sure yourself.

We are here to help each other and those considering this for themselves and we all do so because we love our role as S@HDs, but as someone said it isn't for everyone. And while it might be fashionable to make this transition, if both of you are not 100% committed to this, then all of you will pay for it.

You posted under "anonymous" and can easily have your husband do so as well, so there is no risk in being 100% honest about your, and especially his true feelings, concerns, fears about this. You can't offend us, we've heard it all already and when we did, it usually came from people we knew. So let us hear from the man of the hour and see if we can't offer some even more valuable insights based on both sides of the story.

Making it look difficult. Living the dream.

I wrote this the day I quit my job a year ago to be a SAHD. http://thehossmanfamily.blogspot.com/2007/12/stay-at-home-dad.html
It's scary, no doubt. Just do it your own way, with your own rules. What works for one may not work for you. Get out of the house as often as possible, especially at first. It can be nerve racking but getting out helped me overcome my own stigma of being a SAHD. Eventually, I was like, suck it--I get to play all day. One year in and it's good times.

If you would both rather have the mom at home, then why not have the mom at home if the earnings gap is not that big ? Do not be short sighted about the decision.

Saying that....

I have been at home for many years and we both had good careers with good prospects when I decided to stay at home a very, very long time ago.
My wife was earning more money and was more driven in her career although I had a nice salary and was fine with mine ,and I was a pretty good project manager in the IT department of a medium size company.

But...I wanted to be home. I liked the idea. My wife liked the idea. I never really cared that much what others thought although I always explained my decision and what I did, and it was uncomfortable sometimes. It is a bumpy road. I did lose touch with a lot of my male friends and it was tough to forge new relationships. You don't belong with the moms, and you are not in a place where you have daily contact wit the guys.

What your husband really needs to deal with is his feeling of being a failure. It was easier for me to transition to a new job as a stay at home dad because I wanted to do this. I suspect this will be an ongoing problem for you guys. Sometime along the way, I think the utter joy of watching your child grow up will take care of this. But, the beginning will be hard.

I will say a couple of things. Be very careful about what you say to him. Suddenly, things like laundry, shopping and the cleanliness of the house become his domain. Stay of his back on that stuff. In the long run, those things make no difference---none, zero. I call our house "guy cleaned". Not an embarassment but not being able to" eat off the floor cleaned" either. But, most important is that you two have to discuss how you and your husband want to raise your child from the big picture to the small details. You have to be on the same page and that does not stop...ever. You cannot be gone all day and try to micromanage his decisions after the fact. Talk about the day, but assume things are going just fine. You are going to have to learn to defer to his judgment. That will be very hard for you. On his part, he needs to tell you more than he thinks is necessary to tell you.

Finally, you have to consider your own feelings about being a mom and not being home day to day. You need to figure out how to cope with that and that is not an easy thing to do.

Marty
at home for 17 years with one girl in college and another going next year.

.....of "clean" or what constitutes "lunch" etc. So you both have to figure out how to co-exist under his conditions without going crazy or driving him there by reminding him how different things are now that he is home.

And he's spot on about you having to redefine your role as mom now that you aren't there all day every day. It WILL BE the single greatest challenge you will face, hands down.

Best of luck and send your S@HD-to-be here. We would still like to hear from him.

Making it look difficult. Living the dream.

I just wanted to say that, for me, the most difficult part was not being a dad full time. It was about readjusting my own sense of self worth. It was hard for me to not have feedback about performance from superiors at work. (in the form of a paycheck or raise)

A simple compliment now and then from my wife went a long way during this difficult time.

Hope this helps

This mat sound lame but.Ihave been a stay at home dad for six weeks and beilieve it or not my wife found this group for me .Hear is my main question I know my new job is hard and I don't mind that at all .My wife and I get along fine.but when it come to kids I feel like I;m losing my mind they are 9 and 5 and it seems like the work is never done I haven;t figured out how to find couple time any advice thank you

Michael45, everyone says that kids come first. I think that is wrong. Here is where I believe the priorities are: Self, Marriage, Kids. You aren't any good to your kids if you don't take care of yourself. Your marriage needs to be strong so you and your wife can stay together which is the greatest predictor of raising well-adjusted children.

Get a babysitter at least once a month and go out with your wife. Go out with some buddies whenever possible (if there is an at-home dad group in your area, they probably have a Dad's Night Out once a month). The work that needs to be done around the house or whatever will still be there when you get back. Besides, no one ever puts on their gravestone, "My life would have been better if the dishes were done every night."

Al
14th Annual At Home Dad Convention
www.athomedadconvention.com

Assuming you used to work and either your wife stayed home or you had a nanny, but what did you do then? Did you have a babysitter or relative to watch the kids so you two could have a date night or something similar? Besides you coming home, what else changed?

As for the kids, put up a chores list or something similar to get their help. Find a way to get them involved or you're gonna get buried. They don't have to like it, they just have to do it. The deal at my place is if the house is a wreck on Thursday, nobody goes anywhere on the weekend. A couple of weeks staying home and cleaning the house will let them know what is and isn't acceptable in terms of helping you around the house.

Welcome to the party! Be prepared to stay and help clean up...

Making it look difficult. Living the dream.

I believe the single most important thing I did to actually adjust to and become HAPPY with being a SAHD is joining an at home dad's group. I happen to live in Kansas City and joined KCDADS. Associating with other at home dads has made it possible for me to continue and even enjoy the role!

Best of luck.

Transition is a great way to describe the whole situation. In time he will either enjoy the responsibilty and relish being the go to parent for pretty much everything. I have yet to meet or hear from any SAHD that they went the other way after the transition. I get ridiculed by friends and family all the time about having the life of reilly. To a man they all say they envy my life. In the long run none of it matters he will love being an at home dad. We all love it. I believe my wife worries I like it too much and wonders if when the kids start school I wont want to go back to work. She may be right.

I am new to this site and I noticed your post dated December '08.  How is it going?  Are you still interested in advice on the transition or has it already been made?  Anyway, this site is a treasure chest of info, support, and resources.  I wish I would have joined eleven years ago when I made the transition home.

My advice is to be careful about this decision.  Parents really need to flush out the issues of starting a family, especially when it comes to child care.  First of all, does the couple really want kids?  Why?  How many?  Who wants to be the primary care taker?  (My neighbors have one child in daycare and are perfectly fine with it. They both like to work.)  Do circumstances absolutely require both to work?  If not, who is better suited for the role?  For how long?  Is it temporary?  Is there a plan such as "He will stay home for two years and then we will put our baby in day care," etc.

I've heard people say they can't make it on one income, but we have raised four kids for eleven years on one income.  These are the people who need to determine priorities, do some soul searching, and who overextend (Lexus SUV rather than a Kia minivan, etc.)  They are unwilling to put true life changes first.  In other words, they need to stop rationalizing and get real!

"We decided he needs to stay home", and "He feels like a failure because he can not be the provider for the family", and "How do I help him cope with this" are serious red flags.  Does he really want to stay home?  Need to is much different from want to.  I felt like a failure because I wasn't the provider.  This is part of a man's soul that can not be glossed over.  It affected me deeply and influenced my attitude.  I finally accepted it but it took a long time.  Be honest.

What about you?  Are you interested in staying home?  Are you scared to stay home and work is the easier/safer route in your mind?  This is the case for my wife. The best way you can help him through this is answer all of the above questions.  Then things will become much clearer.

Finally regarding not having good role models.  This is a big part of your parenting regardless of what you decide.  You will deal with this forever.  I didn't have a good father figure in my life and one of the reasons I stayed home was to try and do it better.  I learned that it is not necessarily the way to achieve it.  I have made so many mistakes and now that my son is 11, I wonder if he needs to look up to his Dad and see him coming home from work like a hero.  When he was younger I was his hero in a different way.  Also, I read a lot of self-help books to see how growing up dadless affected me today.  Newlife.com is a great place to go to listen to their daily radio show.  And not to get too religious, but I accepted Jesus Christ into my life and He raised me up. May He truly bless you during this scary yet wonderful time of your life.

Charlie

Thepfam5@verizon.net