True, very true.

But you know we have to put the babies best interest first, and that might be me staying home or taking an evening or weekend job and staying home during the week days.

she's working on a plan that the baby will be in day car and I'm working from a mindset that institutionalizing the kid from birth and having a stranger raise him instead of us is just not acceptable.

Is it possible that your wife might be scared to take this leap of faith? I know my wife, Tina, and I were.

How has other peoples' opinions affected your wife's feelings? Our decision in 1991 was met with a lot of criticism.

Tina and I successfully raised three boys on a teacher's salary in southern California. We decided that the quality of our life as a family was more important than the quality of our family's lifestyle. We also had to care for a disabled child diagnosed with Angelman Syndrome, a rare genetic disorder. Wesley cannot walk or talk and needs 24/7 care. It wasn't easy but we made it work.

After 18 glorious years as an at-home dad family, Tina and I have no regrets. (Grant is 20. Wesley is 19. And Matt is 15.)

My wife and I started our first in daycare 5 days a week, and I worked full-time. We thought the caretakers were great, and in fact they taught us a lot in dealing with certain developmental phases. In many ways they became an extension of our family, not strangers. They valued our beliefs, and respected our wishes as to how we wanted things done. I think you will find this true for most licensed daycare facilities. No doubt there are probably horror stories too. The hardest part is accepting that your child will be fine there, and not want them over you. Wait until you see the look on their face when you pick them up... priceless. Don't be afraid of daycare.

Anyways, we decided I would stay home part-time (I work part-time for her practice), because it made things easier having someone home to care for the house, groceries, etc, while one of us being able to be with the kids more. Also saves on money of course. Our decision had nothing to do with the daycare.

My suggestion would be to start with daycare, if your wife isn't on board for you staying home. New child is stress enough. Let it play out... Revisit it periodically. She may change her tune. It was my wife's suggestion that I stay home, so you never know. Good luck.

I've been on both sides. We started at daycare for 6 months when we both went back to work.  My daughter developed health problems  (not related to daycare) so we decided one of us should stay home because of all the time at the hospital. Guess who? The wife makes more and has better insurance.  Familiar?  It's been three years now and my daughter is doing great. I must say the daycare center was great too. but we did a lot of research.

Bottom line, it was a decision we came to together. Daycare is fine if you spend the time to find a good one. But I would take issue if my wife told me I couldn't do it. Seems to be a deeper issue.

Good Luck.

It's never either or in a relationship. You can always find a part time job or even better, start to work from home. That's what I did, but it took me about ten years to get off the ground. Because the house needed to be fixed up as well, and there's a yard and a dog to be walked, groceries to be bought etc. If you give her the feeling you put in enough effort, a job at itself, you guys should be OK. Wonder if her motivation is peer-pressure.

I completely understand where your coming from.  I didn't particularly like the thought of being a SAHD while my wife continued to work.  I had similar fears, and if you read the remark from 'wife of sahd', a females perspective, my wife has those same fears.

For us the economy forced the decision.  I worked with investments and my income very quickly dropped to much below hers.  She has very good insurance, while I had none.  There was no other option other than to have me stay home and take care of our son.

My wife does expect me to clean, and sometimes cook, and do laundry...  And let me tell you...  it sucks.  I do a decent job with all of that stuff, but I do not do it to her standards and we fought about it for awhile.  We finally came to a compromise.  I will never be able to fulfill her standards.  I think that was the whole compromise actually.  But I have made an effort to keep up with it, and I do take a day or two a week where I have to clean things in depth and put Barney on the TV.

I would like to work, no other way to put it.  I love my son, but I think I have a harder time than my wife does dealing with it.  The changes we have had to make financially have eased the stress (foreclosure and into bankruptcy).  And now after a year or so I can't imagine being in a better spot.

I don't plan on being a SAHD forever.  I'm working on my masters degree while watching my son, so hopefully when I'm done there will be more opportunity for quality work available, to afford her the opportunity to work less (she'll never 'not work, her decision').

There are challenges to becoming a SAHD.  Our marraige isn't 'doomed' though we've faced a few bumps relating to roles, expectations, and appreciation.  Her family is from the south, and they feel strongly about a male's role as a provider, so I know there will be some damage there, though I'm not too concerned about that. 

I would just tell you, it may be better for you and your family to consider becoming a SAHD for awhile, until you do have the opportunity which would afford your wife the chance to work less or stay at home.  You and your wife will have to work through it if SAHD ends up being the choice.

Last thing, I did take a part time job after a few months of becoming a SAHD, so instead of school and SAHD, I was in school and working.  It didn't even cover the expense of daycare.  Opportunities for quality employment are harder to come by it seems, so I suggest if you do become a SAHD you also work towards improving yourself to keep yourself desirable.  Either through education, or some other form.

So I am re writing this post so as not to include any "maid" duties.  My other opinion would be similar to everyone else's on this topic.  I came to realize it's not about actually convincing your wife you could be a SAHD but coming up with a plan, present and future, and actually come to an understanding.  bitchen is right, developing your child, mentally, physically, and socially is priority one.  How you and your wife will achieve that is solely up to you.  Not everyone knows how to cook, or wants to.  Not everyone has time to clean.  Just be the most supportive you can be of your wife and make sure she does the same for you. 

The point being that one of you wants to be home so your KIDS never feel a lack of self-worth due to mom and dad not being there to spend time with them and teach them that they are worth spending time and energy on.

Do the math.  What does your job cost in daycare, gas, mileage, lunches etc? If it's a wash or even close, I wouldn't work.  You already said it. Why would you work for someone just so you can afford to have a stranger raise your kids? That's the key point, don't lose sight of it. 

Does your wife REALLY view men at home as failures or is that your view that you think the rest of the world shares?  Has she actually said it or like me, were you raised in a place where that was the prevailing attitude?

The 2006 census says there are over 159,000 of us in this country and they don't count anyone who works part time or from home and makes any income as a S@HD, so who knows how many of us there really are.  The point is there are a lot of us out here doing this every day, some of us for years, and as the job market gets tougher, there are going to be more of us.  Does that mean society is going to accept us, maybe, maybe not.  But society doesn't pay your bills, feed your family or put clothes on their backs, etc.  So SCREW what everyone else thinks and just do what's best for your family.  Do the math, think about what is best for your family, and talk it out and THEN decide.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I agree with Tim E, except for the rank order of dumb things to do:  I rank the land war in Asia as number two.  Unfortunately, if your wife doesn't support your staying at home, the outcome inevitably will be conflict - and in my opinion, the conflict could be big enough to end the union.  Tough outcome for the kid, eh?

I'd be surprised if your wife's views aren' an echo of the view her parents hold (and frequently reinforce with her).  That is tough ground to break.

Good luck.

You'd think I had asked for gender reassignment but kept the goatee the way some of my home town folks look at me.  But since I don't live there, I really don't care. Prevailing attitudes where you live are not a small thing, but what is best for you, your wife & the kids' well being are the most important things.

If you can cook a little & clean a lot, you'd be the perfect housekeeper for someone else, so why not your own family? Lipska dad said it,

"She comes home to our children running to her, the house is somewhat clean (hey, I’m not mary friggin poppins), and dinner is ready. I’m her hero. Can you put a price tag on the mental relief of being financially, physically, and emotionally healthy?" 

Couldn't have said it better myself & the Mary Friggin Poppins comment was awesome. Some weekend soon, send her out for a couple hours, leaving you with the kids & the house a bit messy.  Muster up the domestic army & get to cleaning so that when she comes home, the house looks nice, people are fed & the kids are busy playing or reading or whatever.  Light a couple candles to make the place smell nice too. (Scent is the sense most tied to memory so having a nice smelling house is a memory she won't soon forget. Sure it's sort of cheating, but all's fair in love & war, right?)

Just give her a glimpse of a future that doesn't include coming home to piles of clutter & laundry everywhere & the kids swinging from the ceiling fans while you're passed out on the couch in a sweat-stained wife beater with a beer in your hand & NASCAR on the tv. Sell her on the dream or she'll always only see the nightmare.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Hello to ChrisB;

Lots of good comments here which I hope have helped you. I am a stay at home dad with twin almost 9 year olds. When making our decision, it was not real hard. My wife liked her job and made more than me. She also had the insurance. I was floating aimlessly career-wise (as usual) because my real goal is to not work. We were somewhat anti-daycare for same reasons you are. However I also know people whose kids are better off due to being at DC. Depends on parents and the DC. I have been with my kids without any help for 7 years now. Listen, it is a job but its one you do because you love them and want to be around them. Maybe if you approached it from that tack with the Mrs. I also have worked part time on and off so that takes off financial pressure and keeps wifey happy too. I also do a lot of the rest of the stuff around the house: all finances, yardwork, home maintainance, doctor's appts. Cleaning, shopping and cooking we share. Curious what friends and family think of your idea? Maybe people closest to her could sway her? Also realize that although SAHDs are gaining in popularity, we are still a minority. there will be biases: playgrounds which are almost all women, older male relatives like dad and dad in law(mine were a pain in the rear in accepting me as the at home parent). I do agree that you must have her support and that it may be that you reach a compromise which works great. Do not rule out marital counseling before your child is born either as the wrong decision here will put a lot of stress on the marriage. I'd Love to hear your response and help any way I can.

Andy M.