i'm a 10 yr veteran with 2 kids, and even though my wife and i were in basic agreement about who would stay home before our kids arrived, we still had to work a lot of things out as we went along.  in fact, we still do.

what we try to keep in mind is this (and you guys already know this): it is all about the kids first: the questions of income stability, medical coverage, all these considerations should be taken with the kids' needs in mind - then you can start talking about job satisfaction, who should be the "mommy/daddy", career development, etc. and it also shouldn't be an issue of who's the provider, because both of you are your kids' providers - in differing ways, sure, but equally important, IMO.

some things i did learn: my staying home and being a primary caregiver does not diminish my wife's role as mother/nurturer/etc., nor does it diminish me as a man/husband/hunter/gatherer/whatever.  yes, some days that's easier to see in hindsight, but my wife and i do our best to talk about how we feel about the reversal of some roles,  whether or not things seem fair or right, whether we feel the other was or wasn't holding up to their responsibilities.  in other words, we talk as much as we can.

the other thing is that the time i get to spend with my kids as they grow up, whether it's feeding them, cleaning up after them, yelling at them or having fun with them, that time isn't taken away from time spent with their mother.  again, easier said.  but i think my wife also sees that because her kids are looked after by someone whom she trusts, and who loves them as much as she does, it helps her to not worry as much about their safety and their welfare, or about whether she should spend more time at home, or if she's being a good enough mother.  besides, the better the kids are looked after when she's at work, the better kind of time they get to spend together when she gets home.

i hope that helps.  good luck to all of you.

Michael,

There is more info to read in another post "(possible) Soon to be SAHD, Wife doesn't approve".

Tina (also a teacher) and I made the same salary but she had the medical benefits.

I think the more you reassure your wife that you really want to be the stay-at-home parent the more comfortable and supportive she will be with you staying home. Pointing out all the benefits of a dad being home will also help too.

I like Maxnrobinsdad's point.  Tell your wife that her working/role as primary breadwinner doesn't diminish her role as a mother/nurturer.  I know many working husbands who are great dads and nurturers.

Start collecting brownie points so you can join us at the At-Home Dad Convention in October.

Back when I transitioned into this role the 2nd (current) time, my wife was making about 1 1/2 times what I was making & she was doing it in less time away.  Do NOT underestimate the time factor.  If she makes twice as much in 3/4 the time, is she REALLY missing out as much as you would be if the situation were reversed?  Run the numbers & see which of you makes not just the most, but the most per hour.  Factor in the time away & it'll probably skew the numbers in your favor & make the position more obvious. If not, burn the paper lest it fall into enemy hands. 

Since I came home, at least up until the economy took a giant sh!t, my wife was up to triple my best efforts financially.  As bittersweet a pill as that was to swallow, it just reminded me that in my career, I was NEVER going to get to where she got in only two years, even if I worked there for a hundred years. Our insurance was through the same company, so that was a wash, but you can't just look at today, you have to look at tomorrow and next month and next year, etc to see the possible outcomes.  

What are her opportunities for advancement/pay increases, etc?  What are yours if you go back to work? Not to completely over-generalize, but men are mostly logical creatures, whereas women tend to be more emotionally based in their decision making. Remember this when you present the perfectly logical argument for why you should be home & she looks @ you like were explaing the advantages of the Cover 2 defense & ignores everything you just said.  She is thinking about all those things she's going to miss by not being home; baby's first steps, first words, etc & the maternal instinct is incredibly strong in some women. She may or may not feel this way, but you are never going to convince her that the value of her medical benefits package far outweighs being home for little Johhy's first steps, first day of school, etc. Best to pick an argument you have a remote chance of winning. Tell her how much you want to be home & then SHOW her you're up to it.  In her mind, she's picturing a trashed house & piles of laundry she'll be coming home to every day & I guarantee she doesn't want to work all day & then come home to the same domestic workload.  Make sure she doesn't have to worry about that & chances are she'll be more receptive to you at home full time.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.