Choosing the one income lifestyle (be it at-home dad or mom) is a difficult choice to make and so is the transition.  It's scary for both husband and wife.  Especially in today's tough economy.

Here is my 2 cents.

1.  Find someone to watch the baby for a weekend.  You and your husband take the weekend to relax and discuss the at-home dad lifestyle and write up a plan on paper.  Without the baby there will be no interruptions or distractions and some time for romance.  This will help you focus on the decision and also give you time to be a couple again.

2.  Talk to other SAHD families in your community.  Ask them how they made the transition and the benefits.  While it is important to note the challenges, focus on the benefits of the SAHD lifestyle and one income family.  

3.  I know these is a tough economy and money is an issue.  Nevertheless, don't make money an issue.  "Quality of life as a family is more important than quality of family's lifestyle."  There are many successful and functional families who make their marriage and one income lifestyle (be it at-home dad or mom) "WORK." Key word being WORK!  Tina and I did it on a teacher's salary in southern California.  

4.  Tina and I have been married for 21 years.  It took a lot of WORK to get this far.  And we still WORK on keeping the family together.  Yes, there were (and still are) times when I wanted to give up on our relationship and thought about divorce.  But each time I did, I thought about what I would lose if I did.  I had more to gain by staying in the marriage.  

In the end the decision is between you and your husband.  With the decision comes the huge responsibility of accepting the consequences of it.  

Good luck.  

I really appreciate your input and perspective.

He has expressed interest but only with 3 days a week. He wants to hang on to his business so badly that he wants to find a nanny for 1 day a week. Good luck.

For further financial info, I make close to 6 figs and while it sounds like a lot, with the bills we have to pay it comes to way over $4k a month. I asked him to get his financial planner friend and lets talk about what we can budget. Instead he did it alone and the guy suggested for ME to take on $12k of his credit card debt and roll it into the mortgage refi. The issue I have is I DID THAT before with a $30k HELOC that I NEVER wanted but he badgered me and said I should roll my debts too. The issue is that 1) my debts were only $7-10 (don't remember). He took the rest. 2. he PROMISED he would pay for 1/2 the HELOC and we would be all set in 5 years. He never did. I refied the HELOC and it hasn't budged in 7 years.

I'm tired of him looking to me to bail him out. He got really angry when I said no to the roll into the mortgage and said I should roll mine since I pay for 95% of the bills and I'm dying here. He swore and hung up on me when I said sell his stuff. He said flat out no.

For housework, I do the majority of it too. He cooks. That's it. It's part of the other issue.

Divorce scares me. I saw a lawyer yesterday and it sounds like a horrific process where I lose financially (he could only give me $150 a week in child support) and splitting up time is going to be a nightmare but I'm willing to do it for my son.

For the weed, it's always been a pain point for me. He's cut back but 2 friends are stupid with it with their kids so we fight about the future with these people .I don't want my son trying it at 10 years old by hanging with these kids. I can see that happening.

I thought about counceling but he feels that it's all me. He's now hitting below the belt that I only used him to get a child and pointing out infertility treatments, etc. Funny how I have bene married for 7 years. So much for using him for a kid. And why the heck would I have a kid with the intention of divorce knowing how painful it is financially, emotionally, psychologically to everyone involved?

He feels I'm immovable with a solution to get us out of debt. I just see me bailing him out when it's obvious golf and good times never end with him is using me. It feels like I have a bratty, irresponsible 13 year old. Not a husband. If he sold everything he had, got a 2nd job at night and paid down his cards, and be a SAHD without complaining about our son teething along with doing housework? Then I would be fine with SAHD duties because he would have a job. While he has a business, it's failing and I'm upset that he won't accept that and do something more.

I just don't know what to do. I feel backed up into divorce yet it sounds like a horrible option for us all. I don't want to live my life out with a rollercoaster of finacial issues , fighting, and nothing changing or improving. We're 37, it's about time we get our @# together and create a real life for us; something solid. He lives for the moment and panics me. That's how he rolls.

Wow.  Sorry if I sounded like a 'preachy old man' up in that first post.  I have a sister-in-law who is in a 'to divorce or not divorce' situation right now.  I am also a survior of a marriage that had dissolved after 10 years (no kids at that time, though).

My wife and I had a had time adjusting to the birth of our daughter.  I have a BA in elementary education.  She's involved in IT security.  Her salary is 3x what I can make.  It was a no-brainer for us; but it did force us to change our lifestyles.  We cut off the cable TV (we treat ourselves to pizza and netflix on the weekend).  We cut out the vacations (we do day trips and forays to the local coffee shops or playgrounds).  We found that our little girl has made us far more active (we have lost 30 lbs in the past year) and more involved with each other, because of our decision to act as a team.

It has been hard.  We like to travel around.  There have been times that I've felt trapped and very alone.  Two things have allowed me to succeed: 1. As her first birthday came, she became a person that I could interact with more and more.  2. I found new and better ways to use my energy around the house (planning / doing small improvements and all of that).

I know that my wife is feeling the pressure of bringing in the income.  However, it is my job to enable her to make that happen.  She comes home to dinner and a clean house.  She has an hour or two of alone time with our little girl on the weekends when I do the yard stuff, which has done wonders for their bonding.  We spend less money, because we have shifted our interests away from eating out and traveling.  We do things together whenever we can, as time has become the precious commodity.

With all of that being said, a thing that came to mind is shooting out some ideas to return your relationship to some kind of central ground.  It sounds like you have separate life directons.  Think about what you to did before you were married.  Not big stuff, like jetting around or week-long vacations; think more along the lines of day-trips or long weekends.  It sounds like you have the tools (and he has the time) to make these things happen.

Do a weekend RV trip to a local site.  Let him drive, plan, cook or do whatever he is inclined to do.  However, try to do it as a team.  The only rule is that you two have to be TOGETHER in what is done that weekend.  If he golfs, you two come along; if you go antiquing, he comes along.  Stick in one or two things that you might like to do and see how he plays his roll in the team.

Give him some dry-runs at the SAHD thing.  Define what you feel his roll should be and see if he accepts it and/or can manage it.

Look into some local groups.  Meetup.com (NOT a dating site) has some good (local to zip codes) family groups.  If you are members of a church, that might be an option as well; however, that might become an additional source of tension if he is not truly into any specific faith.  See if there is a once-a-week thing that your family can do with other families.  He might find himself attached to some positive roll models in the group.

Stick you baby in a stroller and go miniture golfing.  Let him show off for you two.

Find a community playground and go as a family for an hour.  Or take a long walk around the block.

Ultimately, all I am trying to say is that a change of scenery might be all it takes to loosen him up a little.  Let him meet / network with other dads.  It also will provide you with one other simple Truth: how involved is he, and how much do you really need?  I know it was an eye-opener for my wife and I.

I really feel for you, both of you, in the situation you are in.  It is painful when you are arguing and defensive and feeling disempowered, which I'm betting that you are both feeling right now.

I'm sure that there's a lot more to know about your situation and your relationship, and esp. to hear your husband's side of things too.  But based on what you've said, I have a couple of thoughts that I hope will be helpful:

1.  It sounds like your relationship is unbalanced - like you are overfunctioning - trying to handle things and solve problems; your husband is underfunctioning and resisting some of your attempts to solve things.  It's not about your solutions per se, it's about who's in control and who has power in the relationship (which again I would bet feels in short supply in the relationship - for my wife and I, when we were in that kind of place, our therapist described it as feeling like "there's not enough air to breathe in the room" - which was very apt for us).

As Alby mentioned above, because of where his life is and maybe also because of your successes, your husband might be particularly vulnerable to feeling disempowered and "less-than" right now.  And that's likely what he's fighting you about - he can't let you make him feel even more "less-than."

If you want to work on the relationship, work on rebalancing things.  Try not to get caught in power struggles.  You may need to work on sitting down to talk with him about the problems you are facing and not coming up with any solutions, but rather ask him what he thinks you two should do (and wait for an answer).   Don't shoot down the first suggestion, but ask him and work together on brainstorming a lot of solutions, which you can evaluate later.

2.  Before you two can do much fruitful problem-solving, I would guess you need to reconnect with a sense of good will towards each other.  Try to have some fun time, like Hogan suggested, or at least to remember what you love about each other, some of the important experiences you have shared, what he means to you and you to him, what he is teaching you about yourself right now, what blessings you bring to each other's lives, etc. - anything that might foster some sense of good will and/or hope.

3.  Good couples therapy could be helpful to you both with these ideas.  If you want to email me (matthew@matthewleary.com), I'm a member of the American Academy of Psychotherapists, and I might be able to get you a recommendation of someone in your area.  If that's totally out of the quesiton, you might start with some self-help books:  "Hold me tight:  Seven conversations for a lifetime of love" by Sue Johnson, Ph.D. (2008); anything by John Gottman; and "Fighting for your marriage" by Howard Markman are all good ones.

4.  Like other people said, it will take a lot of work, and your marriage might not be able to sustain the work.  It might break you apart, but it might also give you the tools and hope to see things through and both of you will grow from the process.  There is something in all of this for each of you to learn - it's not all about him or all about you.

I wish you both well,

Matthew