How do you handle arguing with your wife in front of the kids? Lately, this has been happening more and more around our house over various topics. It's getting to a point that is pretty unhealthy, but we seem unable to avoid it and unable to contain the conversations into something more pleasant. I feel terrible for my three kids. They are preschool age and don't fully understand what's going on or being said, but it is still ugly. They used to try to interrupt us, but now they just go play (sadly) in another room. It's like they've come to accept the fighting as a normal part of the day where they have to go be by themselves while still listening to the fighting. I may never work things out with my wife, but I'd at least like to minimize the effect on the kids. I need some ideas on how to deal with this. Trying to will away the issues or put it off until after the kids' bedtime doesn't really seem to work anymore.
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Keep Your Composure
It was tough to keep my composure in the "heat of the moment." It took some time to train myself but it was the best thing to do even if it meant giving in to my wife. I'd wait later in the day to discuss my difference with her. If it the incident occurred in the evening, I'd ask Tina to schedule a time to talk with her about what happened and how best to handle the situation next time.
Tina and I also set rules and guidelines as to how we handle our disagreements.
Despite the rules, holding back and waiting to discuss the disagreements, resolving the issues still took time. There is no quick fix.
I think the key is to limit the arguing in front of the kids as much as possible. Mainly because then the kids can't manipulate their parents.
On the other hand, our kids have learned how to work through arguments from watching us work thru our parenting spats. Therefore, I wouldn't beat yourself up if you find yourself arguing in front of the kids every once in a while.
FYI, here is a rule Tina and I implemented to avoid some of the parenting disagreements. Who ever was given responsibility to care for the kids received the benefit of doubt during the time he/she was with the children.
For example, I'm with the kids most of the day. If Tina decides she wants to spend time with the kids, I've learned to let her be a mom. Yeah, I think she enables the kids too much, says yes too much and has no backbone when it comes to discipline........ Nevertheless, for that short period of time I just let her be mom because if you think about it she doesn't get to do that too often because she is at the office 40 to 50 hours a week. I also talked to the boys and gave them the heads up on how different mom and dad are. And they understand. I found that it is sometimes easier to deal with the kid's unruly behavior than dealing with my wife's parenting techniques that I disagree with.
I also learned that even when my wife is wrong I give in anyway. After a short argument I tell her she's right and then suggest we have "make-up sex."
It's worked for me!
Two Types
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There are two types of people in the world those who need instant validation via a fight or confrontation over any perceived insult or reproach, the other wants to put heated moment off until they have composure enough to talk about the issue at hand. It sounds as the both of you are the former rather than the latter. Pardon my being blunt but if fighting in front of your kids bothers you so much, STOP DOING IT! The question you need to ask is are your validation/points/arguments more important than your children’s well being? An occasional outburst is common but if your fighting is affecting your kids and the two of you can't cool it or wait until they are asleep to talk then you need a serious reality check. You can always seek couples therapy to discuss the issues that inflame both of you so much and in a calm atmosphere find ways to avoid confrontations. This isn’t about you or your wife – unless you are considering separating – it is about how your fighting is impacting your kids. Start fresh with the attitude of, what is best for them within the context of trying to workout your problems with your wife in and adult manner.
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