I am taking a moment to vent about an issue that has been bothering me recently, and that is the portrayal of fathers and stay at home fathers in publications supposedly catering to 'parents'.  As a subscriber to Parenting, a nationally syndicated magazine, I have always noticed a lack of articles dealing with fatherhood.  Yes, I understand their primary demographic are women, but far too often stay at home fathers, and fathers in general are excluded.  Take for instance their most recent contest, titled "The Meaning of Motherhood".  Or "The Freshaire No-Voc Paint Sweepstakes", where 10 lucky 'moms' can win, not to mention that even the contests fathers can enter have prizes geared to women.

I know that these issues are nothing new.  But what recently got me aggrivated enough to write the magazine personally was an article titled "Mad at Dads".  The article was mainly geared around deadbeat dads, but also branched out into fathers using their child as an excuse to not work, and do nothing to help out.  The article, and subsequent official forums lead into a general male bashing spree, where even fathers who are legitimate stay at home fathers were seen with scorn by the female community. Now, to me a magazine titled Parenting should not condone actions like this, but not only did they allow it, but they seemed to promote it!  Following is the lengthy letter I wrote to their staff.  Please, take a moment to visit their site at Parenting.com and let them know how you feel, and see if we can make our voice heard.

As an avid reader of Parenting magazine, I had noticed something frequently overlooked.  I am what is known as a S.A.H.D. or Stay At Home Dad, and sadly we are often unseen beneath the pile of deadbeat fathers and abusive husbands.  We are there though, and according to the US census in 2007 fathers made up approximately 2.7% of the countries stay at home parents.  Not a large figure, but we do exist, and are rarely represented.  I had hoped that Parenting magazine would be different, but rarely have I seen reference to fatherhood, and never during my time as a subscriber have I read an article promoting stay at home fathers.  While the articles I read are invaluable as a father caring for his child, it is always based around motherhood, and many fathers would greatly appreciate a regular article Parenting magazine.

Stay at home dads face the same trials as mothers, while also dealing with the stigma attached to a father not working a typical nine to five job.  Many times S.A.H.D.'s are greeted with scorn, as if we are incapable of providing care for our children.  As a father on AtHomeDad.org eloquently stated recently, even the act of taking your child to the park, or joining a playgroup is a trial in futility as a father.  He had been immediately ignored and ostracized from the mothers there with their children, and was unfortunately made to feel an outsider.  I myself recently experienced something similar while taking my daughter to the Pediatrician.  Being my first visit alone to the Pediatrician with my daughter, I was excited to be there.  Excitement quickly turned to a vague sense of unease and embarrassment as the nurse entered the room.  Understand I had been to this office many times with my wife and daughter, and dealt with the same people each time.  This time, as they wanted to weigh my daughter, instead of asking me to undress and carry her to the scale, the nurse immediately took her and undressed her herself without a word, carrying her to the scale as if I were some sort of invalid.  She even went so far as to ignore me when I said I could dress her myself, taking her back into the room and dressing her as I watched.  It became worse once the Pediatrician herself entered.  My daughter was being seen for excessive diarrhea, a concern as she was 11 weeks old.  The doctor checked her diaper when I stated I hadn't brought a stool sample, then proceeded to take off her diaper for a sample, then changed her even as I was standing there holding our diaper bag.  After the visit was concluded, the doctor explained that I should have my wife call as soon as possible to have the results explained to her, then left the room without telling me those very same results, as if I were incapable of understanding.

Yes, I know our culture has always looked with scorn on men that did not work.  It was always the man of the house that was expected to earn money, and anything less made you a lazy deadbeat father or husband.  I feel this is an outdated way to view our ever changing society, especially considering 56.2% of women were employed in 2008(http://www.bls.gov/cps/cpsaat2.pdf) versus 68.5% of men.  More and more families are deciding that one parent should stay home with the children due to rising costs of childcare, and if the mother earns more money, it becomes the next logical state that men become the caregiver.

As stated, I myself am a proud S.A.H.D.  This does not make me less of a man, and does not mean I am taking advantage of my wife.  Humor me as I provide an example of my day.  I typically wake up at 5 A.M. to help my wife get ready for work and watch our 12 week old daughter as my wife showers.  My wife breast feeds our daughter before leaving while I take my own shower.  By 7 A.M. our daughter is awake and ready to be fed again.  During her nap I had wrapped her in a Moby Wrap (a wonderful tool) and taken her with me to feed our horses.  After her 7 A.M. feeding (bottle fed breast milk), I keep her entertained, usually while making sure our 6 dogs are fed and not fighting.  With luck she takes another nap around 10 A.M., which gives me time to clean house and vacuum the never ending supply of dog hair, pay bills if necessary, grab some much needed breakfast for myself and a cup of coffee.  By noon she is wide awake again, and ready for playtime.  This is how my day goes until my wife gets home at 5 P.M.  At this time I usually listen to my wife's long list of complaints about work while she breastfeeds our daughter.  I try to plan our daughters feeding schedule so that she is hungry when my wife arrives home, because I know my wife misses her, and craves the contact with our daughter.  If needed I make a trip for groceries, returning home to make dinner, feed all of our animals, and if I am lucky spend a few minutes with my wife before we all need to turn in for the night.  This is not an exception to the rule, this is a typical day for almost all stay at home dads.

I feel it is past time that stay at home fathers were represented.  Even a monthly blog or article in your magazine would make us feel like we are appreciated.  We have watched as time and time again magazines and products focus on their primary demographic-the stay at home mom.  Articles, contests, events are all geared towards mothers.  I plead with you to include the smaller faction that are stay at home dads, and show the world that we do exist.

Sincerely, Jason Pettyjohn, former writer and veterinarian technician, current Proud S.A.H.D.