I am glad that you're "intruding" because this is the sort of thing this site is for. It's a way to help dads feel confident about staying at home and if we can help you help your husband, I think you made the right decision to post your question.

I've been at home for 7 years and now have 4 kids ages 7,5,2 and 1. I have been involved with an at-home dad group in Kansas City and in Omaha and am currently the VP of the National At-Home Dad Network, Daddyshome, Inc.

What I have learned about the hundreds of at-home dads that I have met is that there are really 2 types of at-home dads: the ones that choose it for themselves and the ones that it is forced upon them. Generally, the first group of dads are very successful. They went into this with eyes wide open and prepared themselves for it. The second group tend to struggle. This was not what they wanted to do and generally seem to feel that they have failed because they no longer provide an income.

Now, frustratedmommy, don't think that this means there is no hope. On the contrary, many of these dads in the second group turn out to be quite successful too. And here's how you can help:

First, encourage him to find other at-home dads. This forum is one option, but search for at-home dad groups on this site or www.rebeldad.com. Tell him that dads in his situation are out there and he needs to meet them for playgroups and dad's night outs. I can't tell you the number of at-home dads who have turned their lives around by doing this one simple thing. Without these fellow dads, I would not have friends, my kids would not have friends, I would have been miserable and frustrated and, quite frankly, we would probably only have had the first two kids and I would have gone back to work. He has to get out and meet other at-home dads. TODAY!

Second, be sensitive to his masculinity. Dr. Aaron Rochlen, an associate professor in Counseling Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin has done extensive research on at-home dads and masulinity. He has found that men who struggle with being at-home dads tend to have their self-worth wrapped up in their ability to financially provide for their family. Your husband is not financially providing for his family and perhaps is feeling depressed because of it. But the measure of a man need not be in the size of his paycheck. It should be the size of his heart. And your husband has a giant heart. Let's face it; not many men can handle being the at-home parent. Your husband has done it for 2 YEARS!  He needs to hear you tell him how great of a job he is doing.

Third, you need to change your expectations. Any other moms who read this are going to get grouchy about this, but if you truly want to help your husband, you need to change the expectations that you have of him. Moms and dads parent differently. We have different understandings of what "clean" is. You need to understand this. I mentioned before that a man's self-worth is tied up in his paycheck. Well, it seems that a woman's self-worth is tied up in her home. When the at-home dad doesn't keep the house as clean as the wife thinks it should be, there is a lot of tension. The same goes with raising the children, the cooking; in short EVERYTHING that has to do with traditional motherly duties. But, you're not doing that anymore. You would be livid if your male boss at work expected you to do your job the way he thinks a man would do it and so you should not expect your husband to do a woman's job the way you would do it. My wife is a control-freak and I know how frustrated she is when the house is a mess or the kids' clothes don't match. BUT, she doesn't get upset with me. She has found a way to let that go. She realized that having me home with the kids was more important than sweeping the floor every day... or once a week :)

Finally, have more sex with him. I know that is so cliche... but it works!

Good luck to you and your family. This role-reversal stuff is a huge challenge, but with all big challenges, the rewards are equally as big. You'll make it!

Al Watts

Vice-President, Daddyshome, Inc. - The National At-Home Dad Network

www.daddyshome.org

Hey Ms. Frustrated,

I am only able to echo what Al and Suckerg have said already.  I am part of the first group of dads however, there are times that my wife makes me feel that I am really only a glorified babysitter to her.  Communication is one key thing in any marriage and words of encouragement from the person we have chosen to spend the rest of our life with needs to provide that even more so to a degree.  I also highly agree with Al that your expectations may be factoring into what your husband is feeling and you both need to be able to talk about it and work together to find a happy median that is acceptable for both of you.  That is one thing that my wife and I struggle with and only recently has it gotten any better between us.  The other thing that was mentioned is that your husband may be stuck in the pattern of they way a lot of us were raised in that the man is supposed to be the bread winner and provider.  Do your best to help him realize that he is still providing quite well for your family.  It is better that he is at home with your children versus the thought of a daycare provider being the primary example for your children to follow.  I know there are families out there that the parents put their children into daycare from the end of maternity leave however, the way my wife and I looked at it we had agreed that if anyone was going to mess our children up, it was going to be the two of us.  I also suggest that he does attempt to find a local at home dads group and hopefully meeting some of these guys out there, he'll find others who were in the work force and are now the child caregivers.  It is an amazing ride and one I am glad that I am on.  I would also encourage you to encourage him to attend the 15th Annual At Home Dads National Convention.  It will take place here in Omaha Nebraska on Saturday October 2, 2010.  We put together a great program with many things that will help a dad be even a more complete dad than they are right now.  There are some who do come in the Thursday night before hand for a Dads Night Out with the hosting City's group and there are fun things to do on Friday before the meet and greet.  I have been to two of them now and look forward to being at the third one in October.  Hope what we are all saying helps you out to some degree and encourage him to check out this website as well.  It may do more for him that he is able to imagine at this point.  Best of luck!!!!!

Robb Midwest Regional Coordinator

Daddy's Home INC - The National At-Home Dad Network

www.daddyshome.org

Very courageous of you to reach out to a group of dads.  I don't know many women who would have done this.

I echo all that has been suggested.

I've been an at-home dad for 20 years.  A lot of the frustration I dealt with had little to do with how I felt about being an at-home dad and more to do with defending the choice my wife and I made for me to be a stay-at-home dad. The constant daily bashing and disrespect I received from relatives, friends, neighbors and strangers wore me down and I began questioning my decision.

My question to you is “Is your husband’s frustration in regards to how he feels about being an at-home dad or what other people think of his role?”

If it is the latter, then I would suggest that you openly voice your support for him, with his permission of course. For example, if your husband’s frustration is a result of a backhanded comment from one of your family members, friends…. then approach that person and tell him/her how important your husband’s role is, the benefits to your family and that you would appreciate him/her to refrain from making any derogatory comments and instead support and respect his role. (When other people make derogatory remarks about at-home dads it is also a slap in the face to the wives.)

Nothing my wife said to me helped. What did help was when she started speaking up and defending our decision to be an at-home dad family. To know that my wife spoke up made me feel a lot better. It unified us as a couple.

I hope to see your husband at this year's convention.

Good luck!

Keep in mind what works for us may not work for him try Meetup.com for a DADs group in your area if you dont find one convince him to start his own its nice to be part of something but it is SAWEEEET!!! to be the organizer of your own group.

http://www.meetup.com/MAN-At-Home-DADS-STL/ 

Starting my group helped me turn the -'s into big +'s anyway good luck on your families journey and remember nobody said it would be easy BUT!!! it is what you make it.....

This is an interesting thread I have to say. I was reading Hogan's reply and said to myself, that was almost me! I say almost because I was not forced into this role, it was just the best thing to do for the children. But here's the thing, it took me a very, very long time to realize how important my role now was.

My wife had always made more money than I but the hard part was that I wasn't making any of it now and that was a hard adjustment to make. That became an obsticle in how I felt about my role and how it affected that role. It took a lot of my wife talking with me about what I was doing and how I was doing it and quite badly at times.

What I have come to realize after just over 10 years of being a stay at home dad is that my attitude about not making the money to support everyone is just an issue of pride, some selfishness, and a desire to succeed but guess what? If I redirect those same issues towards a new goal, my children, they're not issues anymore. I have a lot of pride in what I have done with my children regardless of my mistakes, my selfishness or "it's about me phase" has changed to it's "all about them" and I can see the "different" kind of success I have achieved and see new successes almost everyday.

Frustratedmommy, I know where he's coming from and much of this, even though he may not realize it, is about change and it may take him quite some time to adjust.....but he will.

Bob Boisvert SAHD since 2000 with Jennifer & Sarah (11 years) and Grace (7) soon to be 8