Whatever you decide try to find common ground.  One works fulltime, one works part time. Both work full time, one picks up, other does some of the shopping. One takes care of the house.  Other takes care of the kids.  Both take care of the kids on weekends, so each is working part time on weekends and the family takes a break.  If you go fulltime, meet other dads and their kids along the way. Makes your life a lot more interesting and gives you ideas for down the road when you go back to work. Allows the kids to play and make friends.

Sounds like you have a lot of options and tough decisions ahead.

When we decided that I would stay home with our kids 7 years ago, the decision was based largely on who's career would provide the best for our family financially. I could have kept working, but the costs of daycare here and the fast-food dinners, cleaning service and other things would have so eaten at my salary that I calculated my take home pay would have been about 10 grand. Bust my butt for 10 grand? Not worth it.

At the time, we were going to be just getting by on only my wife's income. But, her career had a lot greater advancement opportunity than mine and in the 7 years she has doubled her income, so in that regard, it was the right decision.

For us, it never came down to who was better suited to handle the kids on a day to day basis. If it had been, she would have stayed home. She partly raised two of her younger sisters and, as most women, babysat a lot. I did babysit a little, but never changed a diaper until my daughter was born. I was not suited for the stress of crying babies or cranky kids.

Two things changed that though. First, I was determined to not fail. I read books, asked my wife and mom for advice and kept trying to make it work. Second, I found a group of at-home dads to hang out with on a weekly basis. These guys were going through the same things I was and it really helped to have that support.

We now have 4 kids, ages 7 to 20 months and I think I have done a pretty good job. It was the right decision for our family and, despite my shortcomings, I think our kids are better off because we decided that I should stay home.

JKF, you may not come to this same conclusion for your family but I implore you not to base it entirely on who is best suited to be home with the kids. That should factor into the equation, but not be the primary reason. With more experience and support from at-home dads here and hopefully in Ireland, you will have the tools to become successful. And you don't need to feel inadequate about your struggles. Being the primary care provider is a lot harder for us dads because we have so little experience going in; you've got to give yourself time to gain that experience.  I would bet that you were a good nurse after 3 years, but a great one after 10. The same is the case for you as a father.

Good luck!

Al Watts, Vice-President, Daddyshome, Inc. - The National At-Home Dad Network

www.daddyshome.org

I  have  found  all  the  comments  made  so  far  very  interesting.  It  seems  from  these  comments  and  the  comments  of  other  threads  that  most  men  make  the  decision  to  be SAHDs  full  time  for  financiall  reasons.  People  make  projections  as  best  as  they  can  as  to  who  has  the  best  income  potential  and  decide  on that  basis.  In  our  case  that  is  very  difficult.  Currently  my  wife  is  on  her  last  month  of  pay.  She  does  have  a  PhD  science  research  degree,  but  believe  it  or  not  I  could  earn  more  than  her  by  working  Sundays,  nights  etc,  but  then  you  have  a  quality  of  life  issue.  There  is  a  masters  I'm  considering,  which  could  lead  to  a  very  well  paid  job,  who  knows.  Maybe  my  wife  could  get  a  job  in  the  private  sector,  (not  her  preference),  and  earn  really  well,  or  maybe  it  would  be  just  ok.  Also  my  wife  doesn't  want  to  be  away  from  her  children  to  such  an  extent  that  she  would  feel  she  was  loosing  out  too  much.  And  I  guess  that  if  she  believes  she  would  really  want  to  stay  at  home  then  that  is  that,  isn't  it?

The  complication  for  me  is  that  I  know  if  I   go  back  working  full  time  I  could  become  very  stressed  in  an  environment  that  I  just  find  totaly  frustrating  at  times.  I  accept  my  personality  plays  a  role  in  that.  And  recently  I  find  at  times  my  temper  just  gets  the  better  of  me  at  home.  Like  I  said  in  the  first  comment,  the  seccond  child  can  be  very  demanding.  From  linking  in  here  though  I  have  come  to  think  that  a  lot  of  the  frustrations  can  probably  be  easily  dealt  with.  Such  as  how  to  keep  children  safely  occupied  while  tring  to  do  somthing   else.  So  it  probably  is  possible  for  me  to  practicaly  find  solutions  to  parenting  problems  of  the  very  young,  and  so  reduce  my  stress.

Also  I  believe  that  I  would  miss  work,  not  my  job,  but  work  in  general.  I  worked  10  years  in  the  addiction  area  so  far  and  well  I  would  like  to  use  it  before  it  goes  stale.  Also  I  like  photography  and  creative  media  editing.  At  present  I  get  precious  little  time  to  follow  that  up.  I  don't  want  to  loose  myself  in  a  flood  of  dirty,  "NAPPIES". You  guys  seem  to  have  not  done  that  though!!

For  those  complicated  reasons  I  believe  it  is  a  case  of  decding  who  is  best  for  the  children  full  time.  ME  or  HER???????   It  is  the  only  factor  I  can  see  of  significance  that  seperates  us.  Yes  we  do  have  to  make  a  joint  decision.  What  has  precipitated  all  this  is  my  wife  loosing  her  job.  So  soon  I  will  have  to  increase  my  hours.  She  has  been  job  hunting  but  now  we  have  started  this  process  of  deciding  who  will  stay  home  so  that  has  slacked  off.  She  does  have  an  interview  on  Wednesday  though.  

Things  could  just  slide  by  without  decisions  being  made.  I  think  I  find  being  at  home  difficult  somtimes  because  it  wasn't  a  purposeful  decision  on  my  behalf.  If  I  am  to  stay  home  this  time  I  want  it  to  be  a  definite  I  have  made  my  choice  move.

Anyway  my  own  head  is  melted  now  as  is  yours  probably  from  reading  this  and  I'm  sorry  if  the  length  of  this  has  put  you  off  replying.  I  would  appreciate  any  insight  you  may  have,  as  I  know  I  may  not  be  seeing  a  bigger  picture.

God's Blessings JKF

In this world money is needed to pay the bills.  So, with that in mind, a possible scenario.  You increase your hours at some point if it looks like she will be taking care of the kids.   If the work for her works out, then you slack off and all goes back to where it was.   Finances are a way of life.  Some decisions are based on finances.  One way to look at the situation.