You need separate accounts for the finances.  Maybe you handle the finances. Or, at least you have the account that pays the bills and savings.  Need to have separate accounts, maybe even separate banks, Checking here, savings over there. When you have multiple banks within a city, and there within walking distance, much better. Or a couple local banks, and an internet bank.  Separate accounts. Keep using that word, Separate.  All can be joint, but what matters is whose controlling them.   Consider enrolling in a ride along program with your local police department.  Alanon maybe a waste of your time.  Sorry about the accident.  Hopefully, your world will get better. Why don't you go to Disneyland this summer.  Go alone if you have to.  You will  have fun.

Separate accounts has been suggested to me.  (Once at an Alanon meeting).

I have no money to put in a separate account.  And I don't want to cause any more turmoil by taking money from an existing account and opening a separate one. My wife would go bonkers if I did.  She also made it clear one day that the money she is giving to Grant is her money. Ouch!

Alanon was a waste of time for me.  But at least I tried.

Other drastic measures have been suggested to me but I'm not comfortable pulling the trigger because I need to be around for our youngest, 17.   I don't want him getting caught up in the middle of this unfortunate situation.  Fortunately, he is one of the positive things going on in my life.

I posted the story about our oldest son, Grant, (Losing teenager to drugs post) so you guys may not have had the benefit of prior info about him.  Grant is 22 and does not live at home.  Thank goodness.  He lives part-time with my mother-in-law, another enabler, and his so called drug friends (also enablers).  He has no job, not going to school.  Not paying rent at grandmas or his friends house.  According to Grant he is also living rent free at his friend's house.  (Grant is good at manipulating people and finding enablers.) He is also not paying for food, car insurance, gas, repairs on car, dentist......because his mother is paying it all.

As far as rules in our house.  My wife has none.  I was never allowed to discipline our boys.  Example, one time I took the tv out of one of the boy's bedrooms.  Just for one day.  An hour later she put it back in our boy's bedroom which undermined me.

Grant is not the only one Tina enables.  She also does it to our youngest, Matt (17).  She types his english and religion homework.  And does most of the religion for him.  I suggested we get Matt a tutor so he can do his own work.  She rejected the idea. It feels as though Tina is in high school and getting the grades not Matt.

Meanwhile, I've sat idly by and watched all this unfold.  Been hard to take but as they say for better or worse.  This is definitely the worse part.

Here is a funny story about my wife enabling our dog.  Our golden retriever had minor ear surgery and has to wear a cone to protect the ear so it can heal properly. Tina without asking me or the vet cuts part of the cone because she feels sorry that the dog is uncomfortable.  She thinks she is helping the dog.  Well, guess what?  The dog starts rubbing her ear on the carpet and the grass in back yard.  Ear gets dirty and bandages get loose.  Hello, the CONE is there for a reason or else the vet wouldn't have put it on her!  I take the dog to the vet and tells me to not let Tina cut the cone again.  Her enabling cost us money for rebandaging, cleaning the wound and a new CONE!   Argghhhh!

Disneyland sounds like a good idea.  I live 20 minutes from it.

Let's just start off by getting a good counselor, of her choosing to help deal with the situation of her feeding your son's habits.  This will in turn help with your financial situation too if she's willing to help cure the problem instead of feeding it.  The next thing I would suggest is through one of your local churches is attending Financial Peace University.  The two combined will help in all aspects of your current situation(s) and any other situation in the future.  Everything boils down to this, you have to make it sound like her suggestion or idea for this to work.  My wife was famous for just paying what she thought was important to her and spending the rest on other stuff for herself and leaving us short-changed with grocery money.  I took over the checking account and put everything in writing to where every dollar is accounted for (by giving your money a name) before the beginning of the month and giving her a copy of it to help ensure that this plan works.  Don't know if I am lucky or what, but so far this has worked.

From what I understand about your current situation you have time to start a new career working in Anaheim at one of the theme parks.  This would allow you to start a new career and save some money towards your retirement.  Set up an account with Disney that you have access to.  No one else.  Then, let it all go.  Let those problems go, they will work themselves out. Just work lots of hours. Meet lots of new people. Focus on getting back to work, while having fun, enjoying what you do in your new career.  So, go to the Disney website, and start looking for a new career working for Disney.  One of the best companies to work for.