Me and my wife had a HUGE fight and the cops were called. Needless to say, one of us went to jail, me. It happen on a weekend and I sat till Tuesday. When I was released on a bond, the judge told me no contact with the wife and kids till my court date. That floored me, I've been an at home dad for 9 years and I've never been away from my kids, not even for a day. Also my wife cleared out all the bank accounts. Since she has the kids, she also has the house. This has left me with nothing. No place to stay, no money, nothing! I don't have anywhere to go, no money to feed myself with, NOTHING !!! What am I to do?
In Trouble, What can I do?
Welfare, Food Stamps
It's a start
Its a start but what about what is going on with my kids. Wouldn't I get primay costody of them after the court issuse is resolved, wouldn't she have to move out until me and her resolve our marital issuse (divorce or not)? I'm only asking because isn't that what a primary care provider is in titled to, do to the fact we've been supported by the other all this time. Or am I going to lose my kids for fighting back after all the years of abuse, and I'm talking about physical and emotionnal abuse? Shes not entirely the victim here, she got hurt once and I've been beatten and yeld at for years. What am I to do for real?
Good Luck
I don't know what ot tell you man. Keep your head up and be positive. I don't know anything about the legal end of it, but here's what I can tell you:
1. Get yourself into counseling. It's going to help you through this and will also look good for the impending court case.
2. Like the other guy said, just try to better yourself and make sure that you're the best man you can bee for your kids.
3. Most importantly... don't forget that all this is about the kids. It's always about the kids, and at the end of the day, that's all that matters.
Good luck and I hope it all workds out for the best.
Proud to be a SAHD of an Autistic Child
Try to get some proof
Unfortunately you are up against a Female slanted court system when it comes to custody and/or divorce. That is not to say that all is lost but rather that you need to get your ducks in a row ASAP.
1. DO NOT ever blow up on her again. Don't raise your voice to her or disparage her in any way to anyone, including here or any other form of communication. Everything is discoverable in court; email, online posts, etc...
2. VERY discretely find out if anyone would be able to vouch for your side of the story. Mention that you are worried about the kids welfare (this is #!) because of what you have been going through.
3. This should be #1 but I am too lazy to reorganize the list:) The kids come FIRST, end of story! You should ALWAYS talk about (and want) what is best for the kids. You and your wife are secondary, they come first. So try to couch everything that way.
4. Find out the laws in your state on recording people without their knowledge. Some states require that both parties be aware of the recording while others only require that one party be aware of it, you:) If you can get some proof on your side that she physically/verbally/mentally abused you it would go a long way in and out of court to help your case. But remember, it is relevant because of the kids.
5. If you can record her without her knowledge record EVERY conversation you all have. You can use an answering machine for this a lot of times for phone conversations and/or a digital recorder.
6. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
7. Pray... pray for your kids, pray for yourself and yes, pray for your wife.
You are in my prayers,
Al
Thank you
Thank you for all the support! I do have some pics of when she beat me up once (she did a number on me) but how do I prove she kept me a prisoner of my home for 3-4 years. When we talk I could get it recorded. Just to let everyone know, I don't want a divorce, I want to work it out with her. I'm just afraid she might and take the kids from me. Time will only tell. I miss my kids & her. I know their safe, she not a bad mom. I just wanted a normal family life. Thank you again for all your help.
Let the Past Be The Past Deal With It
You've got to strive to get a fair hearing. Then fight any restrainig order if there is one. Then move back in the house regardless of whether you are wanted or not. You have a legal right to move back in your house. End of Story. Repeat: End of Story. So, you move back in. Return to the house, then work to resolve it between you and her. You are still collecting welfare and food stamps. Then you work to resolve the money and family issues. If you do not move back in the house you are going to be on the short end of the stick and have a good chance of not getting what you deserve.
Ruready60 Well just to let u
Ruready60 Well just to let u know the chances of u geting house and kids are next to nothing. Unless this woman has been dealing drugs or saleing herself and doing this in the presents of the kids your sol. The courts still side with the women and they dont care what the amounts of money she has drawed out of the accounts this comes up later in the propety settlement. For now the only thing u can do is appeal the judges dession and aske that u have use of the house also. In most states there is a time limit on these appeals so u need to check on this as soon as u can. I am not a laywer but have been close to where u are at now. Restraining orders are only good in my state for 15 days if appealed so this might be in yours too. Unless she has just cause to keep u out of the house this wont fly with the family court judge. Dont go in slinging mud these judges are smart and have seen it all let her be the asshole and like it was said before the kids best interest comes frist with these judges and most of them see that as being with the mother. She carried them so basicly she did all the work if u can call it that. I myself have two sons and it took me three times in court to finally to get the judge to see it my way with my first son. It is a long road and a lot of stress but can be done. U need a place to live to raise kids so where is that going to be. Well hopefully you and her can work this out without you she is going to have her hands full. But you do not even wit her premission go back to the house this is one trick a lot of woman like to use and then for sure you will be without hope. I dont care if she says i love u and your the best dont do it. The courts are now handleing this and not niether of u. In my state only one party has to know that they are being recorded if you know your that one party. But also remember she could be recording u. So good luck
Christine Ann domestic abuse services
Christine Ann domestic abuse services is the place I was referred to so I could get some help for all this. I went to their web site and it has a lot to offer. It has help services for both the victims and the offenders. Since I need both this looks like a good place to strat. Has any one else heard of them or used any of their services? Thanks again for all the help and support.
Kids first
It sounds like this has been an abusive relationship for years. The question I have is one that I would ask anyone in an abusive relationship, man or woman: if someone has been beating you or keeping you prisoner in your own home, is it in your best interests or your childrens best interest to stay in that situation? Do what you legally can to get the kids and get out for their sake and yours!
I get to see the kids
I get to see the kids today, after 12 days. I'm nerves, I don't know what to say to them. I hope I don't mess this up. Do you think I should get them something, or take them to the park? I'm really nerves about this, I don't know if they're still mad at me. My stomach is in knots, I hope things go well.
scarey stuff
This is my biggest fear. I just read all this with my eyes wide open! Do you have any family that can help you out?
Did you every set up a back up plan?
Maybe I am a little paranoid, but fearing something like this has made me really appreciate mine (I have no idea if it would work or not...). You might seek out some larger law firms and their pro-bono departments. Who knows, maybe you will be blessed with an awesome attorney and get all that you deserve.
I am so sorry for you, I will pray for you!
I didn't and it is!
I didn't have a back up plan, I didn't think I would needed one. I'm staying with family for now but its becoming harder on them then it is on me. Soon I'll have to find somewhere else to live. It is scarey to think that my whole world could turn so totaly upside down in a blink of an eye. I thought things between my wife and I were getting better but I was not seeing what was really there. If you feel that your marrage is rocky, then I would suggest a back up plan and/or marrage counseling. We had an appointment with one but it was cancelled because we thought things were getting better. I take it day by day to better myself, to come to terms with all that I'm going through. I'm hopeful that when this is all over that everyone will be happy with the choices that are made. I love my wife and wish her the best. We just need time to get ourselves in a better place. I would like to see us back together someday, but not until we are more stable in our own minds. Seeing my kids has given me the stregth to step up to this challenge and to look positively on my future. It is scarey, but I know I can do this. Time is my guardian, let it guide me well.
Back up plan
I am torn. I always say plan for the worse and hope for the best. I do run through scenarios in my head sometimes like "what if...." But I do not dwell on them because if you truly have a back up plan then you might not work as hard on where you currently are. So my answer to "what if..." usually ends with me cashing out my retirement from when I worked, getting a job at UPS or somewhere at night so I can be with the kids during the day. Essentially, ditch everything and focus on the kids. I pray that none of us have to go through that.
Jawabie, I hope you all can find the common ground of your kids to build the foundation of your "new" relationship on, whatever that may look like. Just remember that God loves you, your wife and your kids.
You are in my prayers,
Al
Got a job
I got a job at my local Taco Bell. Its something until somrthing better comes along. I also went to court today for my wifes restraining order, and she had it dissmissed. I hope the judge in my criminal case will lift the restraining order on next thursday, a condition of my bail, so me and my wife can start working things out. I know that in the coming weeks / months we need to talk so things with the kids won't be as hard to handle as they are now. I'm hopeful that when we start talking we come to a common point of view about what's needed for the kids, and maybe ourselves. I didn't get a chance to talk to her after court today, so I don't know what she wants in reguards to all of this that is going on. I know what I want and have to do for myself. Still it would be nice to know how she feels and if she wants to work on getting back together or not. My focus right now is getting to a better place in my life then where I was. Time is my guardian, let it guide me well.
Not yet
Not yet, I still have a restraining order from my bond. On the 8th I hoping the judge will lift that one. I'm being patient about all this cuase I just don't want to rush into another bad situation. I'm seeing two counselors, one for how I feel, and one for what I did. Its going to take time to better myself, and taking that time feels wiser then rushing back in unprepaired and unsure of myself. I'll keep all of you posted on how things go. Thanks for all the support, I don't know what I would have done otherwise. Time is my guardian, let it guide me well.
Long road man, but there WAS an end to mine
SAHTripletdad gave some advice up there that I wish I'd read last year at around this time. Heed it!
There was no need for recording my fiancee, but I should have recorded our CPS caseworker. Consider yourself lucky that child protective services weren't involved, believe me. Our situations were similar however in that my lady wanted me out. I won't go into detail about that experience, but it felt indescribably terrible. I was staying in a motel with no money or any of my stuff, my kids were supposedly "in grave danger" when I was around, my cat of 10+ years was with her, et cetera. The loneliness was bleaker than a salt flat. At least I had my truck!
In all seriousness though, I'm responding to let you know that here in Texas, after you get mad enough at your lady for the cops to be called, YOU are the criminal, regardless of who started the fight, what it was about, how smart you are, how hurt you are, how successful you are, whether or not she drops any charges or refuses to prosecute, it doesn't matter. You as the male are expected to be the aggressor so you are treated as such. There is something I found out throughout everything that I hope your counselors are telling you; you cannot afford to express the anger emotion at or around other people any longer, ever again, for any reason, because now all the cops, your woman, her family, maybe even your kids are waiting with baited breath for the next explosion. Your loved ones are afraid of it but the authorities are counting on it. Another thing is now that the cops most likely see you as the primary aggressor, your claims of her abusing you will hold less than zero water with them.
Anger is a problematic emotion, only good for being an ***hole or a talk radio show host, in my experience. Thats not to say I don't get mad anymore, but every time I do I create large messes, without fail. And I am known as a righteous ***hole to many.
If you're seeking advice, I'd say get sober, now. Sobriety saved my relationship and kept my family together. It helped me stop being angry at God and gave me discipline. And surprisingly enough I stopped getting angry so often! Plus it looked extremely good as I peed clean in judge's chambers. Plus I save a LARGE amount of money, I am the only male of my family not a drunk, etc, etc, etc.
On a related note, you said something up there about how you and your wife need to become more stable in your own minds. Buddy thats dangerous territory. If you even entertain the thought that anybody but you needs mind stability, you will derail your own efforts. Not only do you not have any right to make that judgement at this juncture, but if you start worrying about where she is flawed, your flaws will become invisible to you. Don't take my word for it. Read the AA book or go to any given meeting. Its not just for alkies, but I have a feeling you may fit right in. Its a really good place to be, man.
My point is that over the next few months or longer you may be broker than you ever have, you may have to deal with the courts seemingly indefinitely, you may have to swallow all pride and cease attempts at winning all or any arguments with your wife, you may have to wait a very long time to come home or you may not be allowed home at all, but if you work your fingers to the bone with no thought of any reward but self improvement, she will notice eventually. She can't take your kids away from you unless she takes them into hiding or takes their lives, but it doesn't have to be that dire if you can prove you're worth her effort. That proof is comprehensive however, and has many stipulations, and pride can't be any part of any of it. If you keep walking, the road has an end. Doesn't seem like it now, but its true.
I'm home
I'm back home and things between me and my wife are starting to get better. My job is keeping me busy and out of the house for at least 35 hours a week. The counseling is going good and I can start to see where things went wrong. The kids are doing great. When I'm not working or going to my meetings, I spend most of my time with the kids. The house work is suffering alittle but I think my wife understands I can't do it all, she's been helping. I want to thank all of you for the support, thank you!!!
Don't Worry, Be Happy (lyrics) credit to the author.
Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy.
In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy.
Don't worry, be happy now.
(Chorus)
Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy.
Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy.
Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy.
The landlord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Don't worry, be happy.
(Chorus)
(Look at me -- I'm happy. Don't worry, be happy.
Here I give you my phone number. When you worry, call me,
I make you happy. Don't worry, be happy.)
Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
Ain't got no gal to make you smile
Don't worry, be happy.
'Cause when you worry your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down
Don't worry, be happy.
(Chorus)
(Don't worry, don't worry, don't do it.
Be happy. Put a smile on your face.
Don't bring everybody down.
Don't worry. It will soon pass, whatever it is.
Don't worry, be happy.
Joined: 2010-06-16
Dad Points: 15