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A working mom wants to know how stay at home dads feel

Lex
Posts: 1
 Joined: 2010-07-17
 Dad Points: 5

I'm a working mom with a sah husband.  I do find sometimes that I am resentful of this. I want to be the one to get to stay at home sometimes too. Unfortunately, I have the ability to make considerably more money so I work and he stays at home. At first, the anger was all financial. Why do I have to work and you don't? I eventually was able to just let it go. Then my anger turned into, I make all the money and you spend it all. I assume this is what working husbands feel when their wives continually shop. I just want some opinions on sahd. Do husbands feel guilty about making no money? Mine has voiced his opinion on this a few times. Do you really enjoy it? He sometimes seems resentful..stating he always sees the same four walls. I tell him so do I but I guess this is different somehow.

 

Thanks

Lex


‹ still haven't seen a change Need help.We LOVE each other but we are still in this situation... Need to understand what we should be doing? ›

Submitted by Lex on Sat, 07/17/2010 - 1:56pm.

TopDog
Posts: 176
 Joined: 2010-02-11
 Dad Points: 188
SAHD and A Working Mom Work as A Team Retire as A Team

Neither should feel guilty.  Mom's making the money. Dads saving the money. Mom and Dad can both have savings.  Or Combined.  Dads economic value is about $ 15,000 for a child from baby to kindergarden, and about $ 10,000 while the children are in elementary, middle schools.  When the youngest child is capable of handling him/her self alone, or there is someone who can help, then dad can go back to work fulltime.  Work as a team until the kids are raised, then retire as a team. 


Sat, 07/17/2010 - 3:59pm

TopDog
Posts: 176
 Joined: 2010-02-11
 Dad Points: 188
It Is What It Is

Neither should be resentful.  It is what it is.  Both should try to save as much money as possible to help pay for high school, college, marriage, and your retirement.  Cut your paid television go over the air antenna television, cancel one cellphone, cancel GPS,  cancel magazine subscriptions, cancel dsl go dialup, go on  inexpensive vacations. In short, skimp for ten years so you can afford to pay for that first car, pay for college, pay for a wedding, then have enough at the end to take a vacation together later in life when your both retired and the kids are gone and grown.  And have significant funds still to cover any and all expenses later in life.


Sat, 07/17/2010 - 4:07pm

candlken
candlken's picture
Posts: 1
 Joined: 2009-07-11
 Dad Points: 1
I Understand you Both!

I have been a sahd for the last 4+ years.

I have the same situation where my wife makes far more than what I would be making. This has worked out for the most part for us.

I have, however, often felt like I was a caged lion in that I am used to being out and about--I was a Police Officer for 13 years. My daughter's female doctor, who also has a husband that is a sahd, told us early on that my wife needs to let me get out--whether it is going to the gym or whatever--because "guys who stay home get a little crazy." Well, ashe was right!

I honestly don't feel that men are made to be stay at home parents, in general. Not that we can't do it....

I have felt a little resentment from my wife although she hasn't said anything like that. I have felt inadequate that I am not able to bring in more money and I have felt like she feels that way too.

I am an entrepreneur and have several home businesses but can't seem to find the time to work them the way they need. We have no sitters available so that doesn't help.

Anyway, talk it out...Thats my best advice. Try not to judge and accuse, etc.... I still am working on this. 

I have chronicled my experiences at my website:

http://www.memoirsofastayathomedad.com

 

Regards,

 

Ken


Sun, 07/18/2010 - 9:05pm

omahahomedad
omahahomedad's picture
Posts: 323
 Joined: 2008-08-18
 Dad Points: 621
Encourage him to join a local at-home dad group

One of the best things you can do for your relationship, Lex, is to encourage your husband to join a local at-home dad group and attend the 15th Annual At-Home Dad's Convention in Omaha on Oct. 2. He can become more comfortable in his role by meeting and talking to other dads who are going through the same things he is going through.

When I joined a local group and attended the convention it completely changed my life. I felt encouraged by others who were feeling the same way I was. I had somewhere to go so the 4 walls stopped closing in on me. I felt like I could do this job. I learned what I could do to help my wife handle the change in roles.

Men hate to admit that we have feelings or need help. I was one of them. It's total BS. If you want your family situation to improve, he has to meet other at-home dads.

Today.

See the groups section on this site or on the National At-Home Dad Network site at www.daddyshome.org.

Al Vice-President, Daddyshome, Inc. - The National At-Home Dad Network www.daddyshome.org


Mon, 07/19/2010 - 1:40pm

StayAtHomeTripletDad
StayAtHomeTripletDad's picture
Posts: 124
 Joined: 2010-06-19
 Dad Points: 169
Talk it out

My wife and I are a bit different in that we were previously (prior to me becoming a SAHD) on pretty even ground (educationally and financially), we were both in management and we take we are both pretty self aware.  Previous to having kids we would sit down and have bartering sessions where we would trade annoyances.  I would agree to stop doing X if she would stop doing Y and so on.

I start with all that because that is how we handle most issues now.  Keep in mind we do have a lot more stress now and I have told her "I am not one of your employees" I have also sent her to her room and counted to three on her once:)  The biggest thing we did and we remind ourselves of is that WE DECIDED for me to stay at home with the kids.  I did not and do not HAVE to.  If you look at anything as a decision it is easier to deal with IMO.  After paying for everything I was adding about $2k a month to our income.  We made the decision to try and make it without it.  I try to stay in touch with my contacts and keep up on my previous career in case I need or want to get back in.

I try to add value to my position as a SAHD by saving money (coupons) and getting everything done M-F so the weekend is all family time.  It makes me feel better about not bringing in money when I can show (and the wife recognizes) all that I do.  On the one hand I miss working; the friends, the extra money, the fun and challenge of it all.  But I also REALLY enjoy being a SAHD.  We go to the YMCA where I get some down time while the kids are in the child watch area.  We go to the pool together, the Zoo and the Science Center.  I also keep a blog and it helps keep me sane: www.stayathometripletdad.blogspot.com.

My wife does sometimes get jealous/mad.  She usually talks to me about it.  I have learned that she usually just wants to vent.  We talk a lot about both of our expectations of me as a SAHD and of her.  Do I want/need down time?  Who gets to sleep in on the weekends/vacations.  Who is responsible for what when we are going somewhere as a family?  etc....  For example when we are headed anywhere as a family she picks out the kids' clothes and might get them dressed.  I do the rest: pack the lunch, extra clothes, get the stuff in the van, etc...

In short, this works for us but not for everyone.  I try to do so much that she does not want to stay at home because she would need to do the same and by me doing so much I feel that I am providing just as much if not more "value" as I did when I worked and we had a nanny, maid and yard service.  The #1 question for us was "Who do you want to raise your kid(s) and give them their morals, discipline and values?"  Do you want to or do you want someone else to?  If you want to, make it happen.  We have stopped saving for retirement, education, etc....  Who knows what the future will bring.  We want to enjoy our time with our kids today.  If that means we work (I am planning to work while they are in school) till we are 80 then so be it.

One final suggestion: get some "date time" in.  Don't forget to do couple stuff.

Al


Wed, 07/21/2010 - 7:36am

blueintheface
Posts: 1
 Joined: 2010-07-22
 Dad Points: 1
LEX

I have been a SAH dad, not by choice, and want to work but I have been in an industry destroyed by the mortgage crisis. I understand all your feelings because my wife has expressed all the same sentiments to me.  Remember it's for better or for worse.  I never imagined I would ever be out of work, ever. It happened and I have loved being with my two boys working around the house, doing everything so my wife doesn't have to lift a finger.  She expressed the same feelings you have mentioned in your post and all I can say is " I want to be the one to support you but right now I can't, please allow me the time to be the one at home. I am looking for work and want to offer you the same benefits you have been use to.

I don't know if your in the same age group but I have worked for 30+ years and my boys are in their late teens and early twenties and I don't want to give this up.

My only recommendation is to talk, talk, talk as much as possible.  Don't hold it in because it will you do no good.   Please just open the lines of communication before it's too late.   I have seen too many friends give up and go the divorce route.  The  things you think you will gain by leaving are in no comparision to the things you lose.

 

 


Thu, 07/22/2010 - 8:52pm

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