Yes, this has definitely happened to me.  If you didn't cry, don't worry.  I didn't either and it took me a while to come to grips with the fact that I didn't feel an immediate emotional connection.  My wife had this kid inside her for 9 months but I didn't.  I was sleep deprived, wanted to make sure my wife was OK after her C-section (I had connected with her already), etc, etc. and I felt like crap for not immediately connecting with our daughter.  But that's the social construct we live in.  We've been told we should have an immediate bond and most of us don't realize that it's OK NOT to.  Of course the bond developed when I held tiny hands, looked into her eyes, saw her smile and laugh, etc. (just gave an interview about men bonding with their kids and this was a main point of mine).

In terms of keeping score, see above.  If you say you're exhausted, fully expect a response of "well, so am I!"  I had not intended to get into an argument about being tired and wasn't trying to one up her but that's how she perceived it.  One of a "few" instances.  One thing to keep in mind if she's breast feeding is that she does still have a ton of hormones rushing through her blood and, at least in my case, a lot of mommy guilt.

In terms of sex, well, it's been a long time for me as well.  A few things:  She might feel pretty crappy about her own self image which could lead her to wonder how any one else can find her sexy.  If she feels like crap about herself, she's not going to want to share her body with someone else no matter how sincerely you tell her how you feel about her body. Number two, hormones.  Nuff' said.  Number three, exhaustion.  Number four, it might hurt a lot. I've heard that there can be issues with female dryness long after pregnancy which sometimes takes a prescription ointment to treat.  That being said, it still sucks.

In terms of how to confront, I would try to actually schedule a time to sit down and talk.  Make some notes for yourself so you remember what you're feeling without having to go off the cuff and getting caught up in the heat of a "discussion."  Check out the notes before you have the sit down to refresh your memory and try not to get led off on tangent discussions.

Think that's all for now.  Hope something I said is helpful.

Ariel

I’m going to go out on the limb here and say that your wife’s behavior is not acceptable, if, that is, what you are looking for is a partnership of equals.
All women keep score, yes, all women learn to manipulate at an early age yes, but that does not make how she is treating you acceptable for adults with the joint responsibility for raising kids and keeping a home. Rosalind Wiseman, author of “Queen Bees and Wanna Bes” talks a lot about how women learn to manipulate via an area of weakness. Women use apologies as a way to manipulate the person they are apologizing to etc. Why I can understand that this is how women treat each other, and it is how they learn to live in the world, it does need to stop or at least be balanced in a relationship.

It seems to me that your wife is “punishing” you for “ruining her body” or any number of other changes that happen after we (that’s WE) have children. She is most likely doing this unconsciously and feels completely justified in doing so. This is obviously, absurd. A man, to quote Chris Rock, is at a disadvantage when women because we have a need to make sense. The manipulation you are under doesn’t makes sense and trying to get the balance, or harmony back into your relationship by force aint gonna happen.

I suggest two stratagems, first Ownership. Own how you feel and don’t be afraid to tell your wife what you think. Don’t apologize for how you feel because then you are apologizing for the truth, your truth and how you see things. Also own the house, man, the house should be run on YOUR schedule, and meet YOUR standards. Period. If that bothers your wife then tell her flatty she can do it if it’s that important. Own that you didn’t care who does what how many times so long as it gets done.

Second: The Mirror. This is tricky so I’ll do my best. Absurdity can not be met with reason, nor can compassion meet interference (your wife) with a lot of success. It is easy in our post-feminized world, for men to get caught up in the spiral dance of talking about feelings and emotions. Generally we men weren’t raised that way and we don’t have the manipulation training our wives do. I know that us un-pc but hey. What your wife is doing, according to Wiseman, is called Banking. She is storing away what she does as a means to get you to do more work, feel more contrite, punish you, or whatever she is going through. I’m not unsympathetic but the ideas isn’t to win it’s to have harmony. Since she is Banking you are Pleasing hoping to have her opinion swayed by doing “the right thing” but that causes the problem of your wife now likes the situation she is in and will want to keep you Pleasing. The only way to meet absurdity is by reflecting it back at the absurd. Understand I know your wife is having some difficulties but you are her husband and want to help her not be her whipping post. There are better places to cope with whatever she is feeling than by taking it out on you. So, you need to reflect that “I carried the baby” sentiment back at her as much as you can. Let her hear it out of your mouth. You can also eco back, “Oh I didn’t know raising our kids was a points earned activity.” And yes say, “Are you keeping score?” as much as you like. Expecting that this will upset her, but she is the only one that can “un do “what is going on in her head.

It’s going to be an awfully long life if she is allowed to say “labor was excruciating” when you ask her to pass the mustard.