I just joined this group for in the very near future I will be a father for the first time. I also will be staying at home with my newborn boy. I am a forty something student who is very close to graduating from Community College and moving on to a four year university. My problem is this quarter I've completely fallen off of the study wagon. I've been pulling A's up until now but with all of the prep work for baby as well as doing most of the work around the house (My wife has gestational Diabetes due to the pregnancy and has frequent bouts with sickness) I've found little if any time to really pay attention to school. I find myself wondering if I'll ever complete my education with my priority being my Son and as I've read from other posts, feeling the guilt of not being productive in my marriage as far as getting a job when the time comes. We communicate well and my wife is ecstatic that I'm staying home, but I'm just wondering if I should quit the guilt trip, do the best that I can these last few weeks and let the chips fall as they may grade wise, and focus on my son for a few months or possibily years. I guess I wonder what "Stay at home" means and for how long. I know both of us don't want our son to ever have to come home to an empty house and one of us will always be at home...so is this forever me. Have I confused anyone yet? Bottom line is I'm wondering where I'm headed.....
Being Student, Husband, and Soon to be stay at home Dad.
I became a stay-at-home dad in my mid-40s too. My career was in a very good place right then, but I had to back off to take care of the new baby. My wife's job is less flexible, and it's in public service; so it wasn't even worth the discussion of which one of us it would be. It was man-up time, letting the chips fall, etc., etc.
You seem to know what to do but just need reassurance that you're not crazy. I can't offer that. You may well be crazy. But that might be a good thing. Sometimes you have to be to do what you have to do. You'll go through rough times, you'll fall years behind on all kinds of projects, you'll doubt your worth and how much you're appreciated, you'll wonder if you'll ever have a career to return to, and you'll likely have even worse worries along the way. Oh, well. Just try to keep a sense of humor about it, keep your head down and keep on plugging. It's a job worth doing. And someone's gotta do it.
And that's my non-advice. My only actual advice is, if your wife is ecstatic, try to keep that going. Remember the old saying: a happy wife is a happy life. That's the brass ring.
I became a stay-at-home dad in my mid-40s too. My career was in a very good place right then, but I had to back off to take care of the new baby. My wife's job is less flexible, and it's in public service; so it wasn't even worth the discussion of which one of us it would be. It was man-up time, letting the chips fall, etc., etc.
You seem to know what to do but just need reassurance that you're not crazy. I can't offer that. You may well be crazy. But that might be a good thing. Sometimes you have to be to do what you have to do. You'll go through rough times, you'll fall years behind on all kinds of projects, you'll doubt your worth and how much you're appreciated, you'll wonder if you'll ever have a career to return to, and you'll likely have even worse worries along the way. Oh, well. Just try to keep a sense of humor about it, keep your head down and keep on plugging. It's a job worth doing. And someone's gotta do it.
And that's my non-advice. My only actual advice is, if your wife is ecstatic, try to keep that going. Remember the old saying: a happy wife is a happy life. That's the brass ring.
Great question!
When we decided I would stay home, I had absolutely no idea what the future would be. All I focused on was trying to be the best father and at-home parent I could be. Once I got the hang of it, we added another baby, then another and another. Now we have 4 kids and I have been home for over 8 years! That is not what I imagined for my future.
I did do a little part-time work (DJing for weddings) for the first few years but gave that up after kid #3. Now I earn a little money writing a weekly blog for Momaha.com but that barely covers the babysitter for our monthly "date nights."
With my experience, here are my suggestions:
1. Babies are time-consuming - taking care of a baby, especially your first, is challenging. It took me a good year to get the hang of it and I didn't have school on top of it. A lighter class load, babysitter for a few hours a few days a week, or lower expectations for your grades are all things you should consider to give yourself a little less stress while "learning the at-home dad ropes."
2. Let go of the guilt - ditto what Captain Dad says but I'll add one thing; your value as a man is not tied to your ability to earn money. All of us men need to understand that "providing for your family" in 2011 is no longer strictly financial. Caring and raising your baby are excellent ways of providing for your family and there is no room for guilt in this new era of masculinity. Need proof? Come to the 16th Annual At-Home Dads Convention.
3. Not always forever - Most at-home dads I know go back to work after their youngest is in school full-time. Some, if the right employment opportunity comes along, start earlier. The length of time you will be doing the at-home dad thing may be a long time or a short time, but however long it is, try, as hard as it may be some days, to enjoy this unique experience of spending each and every hour of your day with your child. Cherish it. Build that relationship. So few parents anymore have the opportunity that your wife is allowing you to have. Carpe Diem!
Keep checking in with us and don't be afraid to ask any question. Lean on the guys who have been there; let their mistakes show you the way.
Good luck!
Al Watts President, Daddyshome, Inc. - The National At-Home Dad Network www.daddyshome.org
Packer,
You're doing ok by now i assume but you are missing the easy parts to this puzzle. First off and i will quote myself on this one " She is a woman and you are a man, therefore in her eyes (double quote) " YOU WILL NEVER WIN AND ARGUEMENT" in this lifetime with her" or at least not a fair one. If you really want to win you will have to play as dirty as she is, but be for warned...... THAT WILL ONLY MAKE IT GET UGLY!!!!! and you don't want that trust me i know. My son is now 9 months old. I have to do all those things too before i quit work back in late 2010 but honestly..... i wouldn't have traded it for anything. you see those are things that will bond you and you kid. The moms have a different bond with them then we do. It's more than the attention and care and feedings. It's deeper than and of us coulds ever imagine. Beyond the smiles, laughs, and poop. You probably are saying yeah i know and i thought i know too..... but you really don't.... NOT YET!!!! but you will. Just takes a little while buddy. Back to your quick guide..... Secondly she is mostly ,if she hasn't already started, going to hit you with a bunch of "I'm not Aattractive!" , "I'm so fat!", "There are girls better looking than i am around you all the time",or (personal favorite) " YOU ACT LIKE YOU DON"T WANT TO BE WITH ME ANYMORE!".... ignore the statements and work on her confidence. It's just the hormons talking. This last for a quite awhile also. Thirdly don't battle the score keeping. YES SHE'S KEEP SCORE!......LOL. They do that. I have 4 dogs, 4 cats, a turtle, and bunch of fish on top of my son. Really full day at times and some a breeze. I still do the cooking, cleaning and etc. but you will see that it's nothing to it. Forth is one concept and one only...... MICROMANAGE....... plan your time for the first couple months almost to the 1/2 hour. You'll get ing a swing of things and before you know it's like second nature. Sometimes i burn through so much i have to find things to do. My new thing is that i'm learning how to extreme coupon shop. Plus the time i'm using with that I'm also using to spend with him. He watches the computer screen and has a ball with it all. Fifth is to ensure that when she comes home you feel HER hard day at work. Ask how it was. Sympothize and be recieving. You may or may not want to listen but if you show the attention it will be rewarding in the long run. Sixth is to always show your preparedness. Just be prepared for anything. For me it was if we had to going out as soon as she got home, run out to store for dinner, evening childcare, or just having your kid ready for her to walk in and grab them up because she missed them so much while at work. Seventh..... RELAXATION..... by having a glass of her favorite drink ready when she got home and if she likes to change of of her work clothes...... then make the bedroom look neat and nice as you have also laid out something comfortable to change into ( LIKE SWEATS, T-SHIRT, SHORTS, CROCS, ETC). Don'tbe a smart*** and lay out the other stuff. Let her decide when and where to change into that. You can even run her a bath with candles and maybe some tubside chocolate. Eight.... Go the extra mile as much as possible. She will tell you when it's to much. Ninth... If nothing else..... offer her a rub down.... feet, back, shoulders, or something. Tenth..... NOW IT'S YOUR TURN..... ask her if she wants to talk somemore or more important, if she hasn't ask you yet, does she want to hear about your day. THE KEY TO IT ALL THOUGH IS TO BE AFFECTIONATE TO HER THE WHOLE TIME
Joined: 2011-05-22
Dad Points: 5