I know, it sounds like I’m hitting the LSD pretty hard as I listen to “Lucy In The Sky.” But I am not. I am totally serious.
I am the bad witch and my dragon is the vacuum cleaner. I am the bad witch because no one EVER wants to be the bad witch. They want to be the princess and prince, and occasionally, a flying monkey. So Dad is always the bad witch.
I am other things as well, my normal job is a SAHD. But upon accepting the position of SAHD I neglected to read the clause in the job description that states “and any other duties that may be required.”
Today that translates into being the bad witch from one of the many, many Disney movies that father’s of little girls are obliged to own and watch so many times that I can quote from any of them without missing a beat. I suppose today it doesn’t matter which witch I am, but let’s just say I’m the one from Sleeping Beauty. I’ve always liked her style. She has flare and I find her oddly hot and if I’m going to be a bad witch, let me be the hot one.
The vacuum is my dragon because it makes a loud noise and scares the kids but currently the dragon is in pieces on my garage work bench as it is not working so well. So today I am the bad witch who also does small appliance repair.
I have the children in my dungeon, which in this case is the car. Oh, they’ll escape, as princesses and princes do. I’ll send my minions after them (dogs) and they will wind up back in my dungeon, giving me the needed time to fix the dragon.
Sometimes the prince and princess will escape and attack me while I have screw from the dragon vacuum clenched in my teeth. It will get knocked lose as I protect my face and my groin. Oddly, they know the witch’s weak spots very well.
So by extention, I am also the bad witch who finds lost things. As a new SAHD I don’t think I was quite prepared to be all the things that were going to be required. It can be a bit over whelming.
I am the bad witch that has to also be the family chief.
I am the bad witch that smashes bugs and destroys monsters in the closets.
I am the bad witch that packs the diaper bag and rides a stroller instead of a broom.
I am the bad witch that reads stories, that fights with the AC repair man, that steps in for mom when she has to work late. I am all those things and more. I am anything that my family needs me to be.
But today I am the bad witch which is about to kick the ever loving crap out of my broken dragon vacuum cleaner because it’s a lousy piece of shit.
Who knows what I will be tomorrow.
Maybe I’ll be the Walrus, goo goo g’joob.